A Day in the Life

Posted on July 12, 2008 by Amanda

FlightyUndergrad has a habit of comparing her hard, pre-med, course-laden undergrad life with my easy, course-free grad student life. She has said such gems as: “Well, at least you don’t have to study” and “You just don’t understand. My parent’s check is late. You have a stipend” and, my favorite, “Since you’re going to be here anyhow could you do X,Y, and Z for me. I’ve got ::insert social activity here:: tonight.”

I’m not quite sure why this annoys me so much. She has no bearing on my reputation or standing with Advisor. Her comments are ignorant and sometimes veer towards less than kind, but, as she’s only here for a few hours a day a few days a week, the comments shouldn’t matter that much.

However, I do feel the need to educate her and relieve her of this ignorance. Instead of yelling at her, I’ve patiently explained that “While I don’t take classes, I still have to “study.” I take home reading and am expected to keep up with the literature. Additionally, I don’t work the prescribed 3-hours-in-lab-per-credit-hour-I’m-registered-for, but, in fact, I work many more hours than that.” Her response to this was (and I’m paraphrasing here), “but that’s a choice; it’s not required.” Indeed. At the time I just dropped it (I had given it a good faith effort and yelling was seeming the more appealing option at that time), but I’ve been thinking about what she said. A choice?

It was my choice to go to graduate school (as it’s her choice to aim for medical school), but is what goes along with grad school really a choice? Granted I always have a choice to do them or quit, but those aren’t exactly a vast array of options are they? Also, I don’t think I knew what I was getting myself into when I started graduate school. I’m not just talking about the long hours or the egos that (at times) seem rampant in academia. It’s the blow that grad school deals to the self-esteem.

So much of my self-esteem is tied up in the experiments, the data, the results and when those don’t work out it can be crushing. That doesn’t even count the inevitable learning curve. Lately my experience in grad school has involved me making mistakes and learning how to fix them. Mistakes that I don’t think other people would make– some simple and some not. These mistakes have aided me in learning about experimental planning, but I’m not generating data as fast as I want (need?). Each mistake prolongs the time until I’ll get results and, hence, the cycle continues. (I think the only way I’ll survive this process is to let go of the mistakes, be more careful in the future, and remind myself I can not be the only person in the world to go through a period like this. At least I’m hoping that last part is true.)

Is it really a choice? When my choice is to either (A) fix my mistake, spend long hours in the lab, develop a thicker skin, triumph over my “stupidity,” and eventually get results or (B) leave?

Posted in Grad School | 19 Comments

Meeting the (Science) Relatives

Posted on July 12, 2008 by Amanda

Continuing my metaphor from before, I’m meeting the Science Relatives. Major European Conference starts next Saturday in the Emerald Isle. It’s the biggest meeting in my field. So, obviously, the most important issue at hand is what do I wear? I’ve only been to one other conference and it was of the isolated Northeastern variety that are held during the summer (which Labmate and I nicknamed Summer Camp for Nerds). That was a fairly casual affair (I mean, drinking with a Nobel Laureate and talking smack with Respected and Famous Scientist during the softball game is about as casual as it gets.). I get the impression that this one might not be at that level of (in)formality. So, I’m calling on you, oh-all-knowing readers, what does one wear to a conference?

Posted in Uncategorized | 12 Comments

My (least) Favorite Mistake

Posted on July 9, 2008 by Amanda

Just suffice to say that I overlooked a significant detail in Damned Yeast Project and am doing one last hail-mary experiment before leaving for Major European Conference (next week). This one is my fault and I should have read through all the material and caught it. But I didn’t. Neither did Advisor who helped me design Damned Yeast Project for my Proposal or my committee members who read and subsequently tested me on Damned Yeast Project. I’m not trying to cast off the blame; I’m more in awe that at least four well-educated people (besides myself) all missed this significant detail.

I was discussing this with Former Roommate (who needs a new pseudonym now that she’s a labmate, too) and in search of a silver-lining she said, “Well, at least you’ve learned a lot.” I thought about it and she’s right. I’ve learned:
-To trust, but verify (i.e. just because Advisor says, “This reagent will work perfectly!” does not mean that he is correct.)
-Jumping into the middle of things (i.e. Trial By Fire) may be a good way to learn how to do things, but it is not the most timely.
-The old adage about an hour in the library saves a month in bad experiments is true (but how to convince Advisor of this? Results are always needed now!)
-The only way I’ll be able to do my cool FPE-Related Project is if I make time for it (now that Advisor has lost interest, he pushes more for Damned Yeast Project)
-I don’t think that I’m cut out to spend 70+ hours in the lab (cue panicky feeling of what do I do now? The Alternative Scientist has come at a good time for me)
-I want a family (unrelated to Damned Yeast Project, but I have discovered this during this time period)
-I’m going into my fourth year and I still don’t know anything.

Posted in Grad School, Stupidity, whining | 12 Comments

No Eating Out Challenge Wrap Up

Posted on July 8, 2008 by Amanda

So, this post is about a week late. With moving Dr. Man back and working in the lab to get ready for Major European Conference, I just… well.. forgot. The last week of June was a bust. I tried to figure out things to make in the microwave at Dr. Man’s before we moved him and I was prepared to do so. What I wasn’t prepared for was how tired we were after packing/moving all day. Plus, Marie came up and helped us move. I felt bad subjecting her to poorly made frozen dinners just because I was doing this challenge. And I have no willpower whatsoever to go to a restaurant and not eat (reason, excuse… po-tay-to, po-tah-to). Then coming back to the house there was the lack of food issue. No food leads to a very grumpy Amanda. That triggered an episode whereby Dr. Man practically shoved me in the car, drove to a restaurant, and begged the staff to just give me something–anything– to eat.

However, I did learn a lot about my own eating habits. I tend to eat worse when I go out to eat. By this I mean that when I go out to eat, I almost always get dessert. But if I have dessert-type food at home, I’m more of a take-it-or-leave-it kind of girl. Also, I’ll eat a salad with some sort of protein on it (chicken, etc.) at home, but I won’t if I go out to eat. I do this mostly because it seems silly to pay so much for lettuce and I think that I’ll be hungry again later (at home I can have more to eat if I do get hungry later, which rarely happens).

Another thing I noticed was all the lack styrofoam! I usually end up with some food to take home and 9 times out of 10, I was given a styrofoam container to take it home in. I usually feel very guilty come trash day with my puffed up garbage bags full of styrofoam, but this past month I was able to skip a trash day completely! I just didn’t have enough trash to fill up my trash can (I keep said trash can outside) and just couldn’t be bothered to roll the half-empty thing out to the curb. I was very proud.

All-in-all I don’t think that I’ll try this same challenge again. It was a bit too much of a challenge for me. It did make me realize that I need to plan more (for packing lunches and having back-up food in lab) and find better (read: less expensive) ways for me to hang out with my friends. My budget was extremely happy with the lack of eating out and I think that I need to evangelize this to my fellow grad students.

Posted in No Eating Out Challenge | 8 Comments

Take it easy baby

Posted on July 5, 2008 by Amanda

Yesterday Dr. Man, Lawyer Friend (who is visiting us– our first house guest!), and I went to see a fireworks show in nearby StickTown. It was a great fireworks display. It went on for about 40 minutes with a tremendous about of bangs, oohs, and aahs. It was a slice of Americana.

We drove to StickTown after a very patriotic dinner of Pan-Asian cuisine (yum!). There were booths where people sold various goods (T-shirts! Herbs! Art!) and food (Funnel Cake! Hot Dogs!). People stretched out on the big field with towels, blankets, and camp chairs. In front of us a small child clapped her hands over her ears whenever the fireworks went off while her sister (?) danced around waving a glow-stick necklace. To the left was a group of teenagers trying to remain nonchalant about the fireworks display. It could have been a Norman Rockwell-ish type painting.

Then, the music accompanying the fireworks came on. Most of it was the usual God/America- yay! type country music fare. Then, Have You Forgotten? was followed by American Girl. And all I could do was giggle.

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

A notebook to remember

Posted on July 4, 2008 by Amanda

While at lab today (note the date) I had to go searching through a former graduate student’s lab notebook. There was a discrepancy between a paper and his thesis (it was minor just a plasmid name), but I had to figure out which one was correct. As I was flipping through I found that he editorialized things quite a bit. Here are a few of the more interesting things that I found:

– A smiley face next to a fluorescence trace.
– An entire page taken up by the word “F*ck”
– Detailed instructions on how to change a car’s oil
– A couple of entries with times and dates that had the words “See! I should be asleep!” next to them.
– Several cryptic notes
– A nice farewell letter to Advisor on the last page.

Posted in Uncategorized | 8 Comments

Multi-tasking & me

Posted on July 3, 2008 by Amanda

**Warning this contains some brain dumpage and rambling**

I was reading Stepwise Girl’s post today and she pointed out that she had a lot of things to do and was having problems switching between them. That got me to thinking about how I have the same problem. I like to complete a project before moving on to the next one. About half way through the first project I get anxious to start the next, but I force myself to focus and complete my current one. Then, the new project serves as a sort of “reward.” When I was younger this worked out fairly well for me. I could study one complete section from one subject thoroughly and then move on to the next subject. Or I could serve on whatever committee/volunteer at whatever organization until that particular time period/event was over and it’d be done. However, this is not working so well for me in the lab right now.

I’ve got two major projects (Yeast and FPE-Related)–that are related to each other but involve two different organisms and techniques– and each has a variety of sub-projects (vector constructions, protein purification, etc.). Plus, I’m supposed to be helping Advisor write a review about Enzyme Subunit. I’m also mentoring an undergraduate student this summer and will likely be adding another in the fall. All told this doesn’t feel like it’s too much, but recently I realized that I put most of the the other Major Project on hold while I’ve been working on Yeast Project for Major European Conference. I’ve gotten to the point in FPE-Related Project that I’d have to commit about three full, consecutive days to it in order to move it to the next level. I haven’t done that yet, because I have to keep Yeast Project going (Advisor’s orders). In the meantime, I’m taking breaks from working on Yeast Project to mentor Untrained and Flighty Undergrad (who from here on out will be referred to as Flighty, I think. It sounds harsh, though, so I’m still debating this name). This takes approximately three times longer than I think it will and have begun to schedule it accordingly.

Yes, I’ve started to actually schedule my day. I’m talking fifteen or so minute increments. Otherwise I’ll sit down and think Crap. What was it I was supposed to be doing next? At the end of each day I look at what I did that day, figure out what the next steps are, and schedule those for the following day (I’ve found the following multipliers to be useful: 1.5 for experiments, 3.0 for training, and +/- 0.5 for Reading, Writing, etc.). I’ve even started to broadly schedule my time at home (first get home dishes and laundry; some time in the evening clean bathtub, sink, & toilet– yes, I lead a very exciting life). I’m not sure that this will work or is entirely necessary, but I really want to stuff done FPE-Related Project and desperate times call for desperate measures.

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Anti-attention

Posted on July 2, 2008 by Amanda

The first thing that my Best-Friend-Since-The-First-Grade (BFSFG) said to me after Congratulations, when I told her I was getting married, was Are you sure that you want to have a wedding? I told her that my mother would probably never speak to me again if I didn’t have one. She replied that it might be a price I should consider paying, considering the last time I was up in front of a large group of people. (This is one of the liabilities of having a life-long friendship. We know all of each other’s histories. Let’s just say that it was a school assembly and it was one of those things that should only happen in the movies. Suffice to say that I don’t do well in front of large groups of people; no matter how friendly the audience.) I followed through with the wedding and, as payback, I made BFSFG my bridesmaid.

Despite this phobia, I’ve rarely felt unheard. I’ve always found ways to work around having to be in the center of attention. Quiet kid in new school for first grade? Talk to the girl who is upset because her mom left. First Dance? I asked the wedding party and their significant others to dance with Dr. Man and I. Suggesting curriculum changes? Talk to a faculty member on the committee and work up to a conversation about what I think should be changed (and some of it has– I’m rather pleased with this). Want to ask the invited speaker a question? Get introduced (by Advisor or Faculty Host) and ask the question by-the-by. I’ve gotten quite good at figuring out how to be heard without establishing an actual voice. There’s a lot of pressure with establishing a “voice.” A “voice” has a persona of its own.

My former college roommate once said that she could tell who had called me based on my voice. My mom elicited a calm, enunciated manner of speaking. BFSFG meant that over the course of the conversation a southern twang/drawl would creep into my voice. An unknown caller was met with a quiet, cheerful voice. And if it was a call where I was going to have to ask for something, there’d be lots of deep breaths and direct statements. After she told me this, I paid more attention and realized that I was adapting to each relationship. My mom needed me to be calm, BFSFG and I fell into our old rhythm, politeness is required with strangers, and it’s hard to stand up for things that I need. So, my literal voice helped me adapt to those situations. My relationship with Science, though, is still in its early stages. We’re on that pivotal third date where we’ve gotten to know each other a bit and think that this could go somewhere, but we’re not yet at that point where we can finish each other’s sentences. So, we’re still cautious. We take care not to offend and avoid the more controversial subjects.

So, right now I’m content to be heard without having an established voice. That’s not to say that I’ll never establish a voice within the realm of Science. It just takes me a while to develop a comfortable rhythm with anyone– let alone an abstract concept.

Posted in scientiae-carnival | 6 Comments

Blogging May Be Light

Posted on June 27, 2008 by Amanda

I’m busily working away on my poster for Major European Conference. However, it’s only going so-so. I spent six months getting everything ready for the poster. Only to realize that I had screwed it up. So, re-doing everything in a fraction of that time was a possibly bit impossible overly-ambitious. I’m still doing everything I can, but I’m (trying to) not stress about it too much. I can’t control everything. I can only give it my best effort and hope for the best. I can’t help, but think that this makes me a bad scientist/grad student.

Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments

Dropping a line

Posted on June 25, 2008 by Amanda

We moved Dr. Man home yesterday!! I’m so happy to have him home. That happiness is tempered a bit by feeling like I just got ran over by a truck. Between the two of us we moved most of the furniture and boxes (and let me tell you books are heavy). Also, I acquired some sort of head cold. All of which I’m nuking by alternating pseudoephedrine, ibuprofen, acetaminophen, and diphenhydramine (the latter at night only). So, I’m at work trying to focus on experiments and I keep getting distracted by random things (oh it’s dark outside. I think it’s going to rain. Rain is good. Sleeping is nice, too. Right. Back to the E. coli. Must focus… oh what’s going on in the other room?).

Anyhow, I’m alive and reunited with Dr. Man and behind on NaComLeavMo.

Posted in Uncategorized | 14 Comments