I like my whine well aged

Posted on May 30, 2008 by Amanda

And now I whine…

Yes, Dr. Man and I recently bought a house. (I’m still pretty darned pleased about that.) Yes, I’ve painted most of the interior of said house (I’m tired of living with only white walls. It’s not like I chose fuschia or anything.). So, now it’s time for that final thing… moving.

I’m moving this weekend, out of my apartment with Roommate into Empty House. Dr. Man is down this weekend, but won’t be moving in until the end of June when he finally gets to get the heck out of Dodge. I’m excited to be able to live in our newly-acquired house, but I’m oh-so-over packing.

I hate packing. And let me tell you why. Every single time I move, I vow that this time I’m going to do it right. There will be no frenzied pack-a-thon the night before I move. There will be no “oh, just pack it and I’ll figure it out later.” I vow to pack a little each night and go through my possessions and dispose (read: donate to charity or throw away) of those things that I no longer need/want. Do I do this, though? Nope. Absolutely not. This means that currently I’m in the midst of a frenzied pack-a-thon… well at least when I’m not in the lab.

Did I mention that I started all this with good intentions? Only to find out about three weeks ago that I had to redo everything in time for Major European Conference in July? Oh, and I got a new undergraduate to train in the midst of all this? So, those good intentions were never realized. Instead I’ve ended up working 10-11ish hour days trying to play catch up to get the World’s Most Uncooperative Plasmid to ligate my oligonucleotides and getting the yeast ready to do the shuffle.

In a nut shell, I’m overworked, underpaid, and frigging tired. And very whiney!

Update: It appears that something might have actually worked! Yay!

Posted in Uncategorized | 13 Comments

On the other hand

Posted on May 27, 2008 by Amanda

I try not to be overly consumerist, but, alas, I am. I want things. Some of my wants are to replace things I currently own with a newer, prettier replacement (see: the couch we inherited from Dr. Man’s best friend– when his fiancee wouldn’t let him move with it, the end table we inherited when another friend moved away, the lamp that we got from my parents when they were updating their house). Some are wants for things that are completely impractical (see: a wardrobe that doesn’t consist of jeans and t-shirts– but then again where would I wear such a wardrobe?). A bunch of wants are for the house (see: new kitchen countertops, new light fixtures in the bathrooms, new fence). A lot are just simply silly things (see: various books, new shoes).

The majority of these wants will continue to be unfulfilled. Some may end up being filled (probably some of the things for the new house, which can be justified by resale value), but I think the majority won’t. I don’t like the idea that the pervasive marketing in American society has influenced me into desiring prettier, newer things.

These wants may also have to do with looking at some of my peers that have chosen to go on and get jobs/careers/not go to grad school. They have lives that do not revolve around the doubling time of their yeast (or at least not the kind one would mention in polite company). They go on real vacations, buy things from Pottery Barn, and don’t hesitate to pick up meat at the grocery store. I’m jealous at times.

Even though I readily acknowledge that I’m perfectly happy without any of these things (and really I am), I still want.

Posted in Life | 21 Comments

Holidays?

Posted on May 26, 2008 by Amanda

Hahahahaha! At least that’s what I did when someone asked me the other day how I was planning on spending Memorial Day. “But don’t you have the day off?” I was asked, “After all you’re still in school!” Ummm… yeah, I am. But I don’t get holidays.

I’m sure that I’m preaching to the choir here, but I’m tired of being told that I’m in school and should be getting X day off, not working so hard (after all, it’s not a job), and that I can do Y because my schedule is so flexible. (So, that’s a horribly structured sentence… maybe I’ll ask Mrs. E about it in English class. Grrr.) In the past week I’ve been told that I have life easy because I don’t have to take classes (this by my undergrad), that I can put off doing stuff for Major European Conference and drive to babysit my friend’s child (this by the mother of my good friend), and that Advisor is mean because I have to go to school today (this by my mother).

No matter how many times that I explain that graduate school is a full-time job and that I get paid for doing research, people latch onto the last part of the phrase: “school”. I understand that most people have not been exposed to “graduate school” and do not understand that this is a very different education from high school or undergrad. However, I have explained this many, many times and get frustrated by the lack of comprehension.

So for the last time… Yes, I am in school, but no I do not take classes. My entire education/degree is based upon the research that I do in the lab. No, research does not always occur between the hours of 9am and 5pm. Think of my research as a puppy. I have to feed it, give it fresh water, and play with it everyday. Otherwise it’ll pee on the carpet, poop in my bed, and chew on my shoes. Metaphorically, without my spending at least 6 days/week on it, it will do the same. Also, I am an employee that means that I do not get “Teacher Workdays” or other holidays. I work weekends and holidays. I do this so that way I will eventually be able to graduate. I do not get Winter Break and Advisor does not give me fun word-searches or crosswords to do in the preceeding days. Nor does he give me shaving cream to clean my desk. I’m expected to do work and make arrangements for my research on any days that I take off. Now, my schedule is somewhat flexible. However, it’s flexible in the sense that I can choose whatever 50+ hours I want to work during the week. So, please stop asking me to (1) rearrange my schedule at a moment’s notice to accommodate your wishes, (2) calling me during the day and expecting me to talk for an hour, and (3) reminding me that I’m in school and should be able to do X, Y, and/or Z. I can’t do any of those things, despite the fact that I’m still in school.

/end rant

Posted in Grad School, Life | 24 Comments

No Eating Out in June Challenge

Posted on May 23, 2008 by Amanda

Jennie at Just a Girl participated in April’s No Buying Things Challenge (which I’m sad that I missed out on). She noted that her only downfall was eating out. I commented that I had the same issue. Hence, our No Eating Out Challenge was born.

First we needed rules. Why do we need rules? you may ask. The challenge is fairly straightforward. Stop eating out. you may assert. Well, let me tell you why. We both said that our main social activities involve eating out. If we stopped eating out entirely for the entire month, then we’d become hermits, recluses even! (Wo)man can not live on science alone! So, we compromised:

We can only eat out once a week and it must be in a social setting. Husband and Dr. Man do not count as a social setting.

That’s the only hard and fast rule of this challenge. Jennie has some rules of her own and I’m doing a variation on that (2 drinks or dessert, but not both).

We’re also doing “confessionals.” Where we tell the world (or at least our readers) when we stumble. I think this is going to be a fairly hard challenge for the two of us. Jennie is traveling for a week and Dr. Man moves back home. Both of these things are huge triggers for eating out. However, we’re up to the challenge!

(Famous last words, right?)

Posted in Uncategorized | 15 Comments

Fun with Comments

Posted on May 22, 2008 by Amanda

I saw this on Brigindo’s and I thought this was a cool idea. So, get thyself over to Stirrup Queen’s and join in!

Posted in Blogging Fun | 2 Comments

I can has a house!

Posted on May 20, 2008 by Amanda

I’m officially a homeowner. I had to sign my name and an entire phrase for Dr. Man about 5 x 10^6 times (I blatantly stole that from DrdrA). The phrase was because we went the power of attorney route for the closing because Dr. Man wasn’t going to be able to make it. Legally I had to sign, legibly, “Dr. Man Lastname by Amanda Lastname, His Attorney-in-fact.” This eventually got less and less legible the more things I had to sign.

However, the upshot is that I spent a lot of money, agreed to spend even more, and doubled our debt. However, we now have a house!

Posted in Life | 14 Comments

Carnival of GRADual Progress- May Edition

Posted on May 17, 2008 by Amanda

Welcome to the latest addition of the Carnival of GRADual Progress. It’s a little late, I know, but… I’m a grad student. So, doesn’t that make procrastination as just part of the norm? For this carnival I focused on learning experiences. After reading a lot of posts, I’m beginning to think that the entirety of grad school is a learning experience– that is aside from the academics.

First, Jennie at Just a girl wrote about her struggles with her dissertation and her advisor. She included a very helpful dissertation calculator for setting a timeline for dissertation progress. However, if you need a little external motivation Psyc Girl has started a writing support group at Aphasic Grad Students. However, it’s not just for writing as she states:

I use “writing” loosely too. You won’t literally write every time you sit down to use your writing time. Sometimes we need to read articles, or run analyses, etc.


A lot of people in the blogosphere seem to be having a problem with budgeting their time. Elle, PhD discusses her need for a time budget. KikiBe talks about trying to determine where her time goes by performing a time audit. This is something I’ve been trying to do by using SlimTimer.

EcoGeoFemme at The Happy Scientist learns to recognize her perfectionism and how that effects her graduate studies. She also relates this to imposter syndrome, which it seems that many people have. However, a lot of perfectionism seems to lead to a never ending cycle of working hard and then getting burnt out. This is something that the Quiche discusses over at 10 year plan: 1. Graduate….

One learning experience that is common to all of us grad students is: The Dissertation. Anastasia talks about having a really hard time staying motivated while working on her dissertation. And is there any wonder with the random feedback she’s getting from her committee? Green Garbo discusses The Five Emotions of Thesis Writing. I’m still firmly entrenched in the first two. I’m hoping that robot comes sooner rather than later. Marc comes up with a rather unusual way to jumpstart his dissertation. Finally, Philosophy Factory asks for Dissertation Advice, please. So, I encourage everyone to pop on over there and share your best dissertation advice.

The best learning experiences of all, I think, are the ones where we learn to cope with grad school. Psyc Girl takes a Mental Health Afternoon and learns to not feel guilty about it. Science Girl has learned how to deal with the demands of trying to do 27,000 things at once. One of her best points is to take breaks for your sanity and The History Enthusiast emphasizes this when she talks about her new enrollment in a fun dance class. One of the many things most of us have to cope with in grad school is being short of funds most of the time. The new blog The Economical Academic has a bunch of great posts about saving money and has some great links to money saving resources. Finally, an amusing post comes from Breena Ronan at Who Doesn’t Love Roses? about Academic Appearances. She gives us a field guide on how to identify people in her subfield.

Finally, I want to give a few congratulations* to:
FemaleCSGradStudent on getting a job,
Flossie on becoming ABD,
Unbalanced Reaction
and Geeka for being PHinally Done!

*If there is somebody that I’ve left out, please let me know. That way I can congratulate them, too!

Posted in Carnival of GRADual Progress | 10 Comments

How I handle depression

Posted on May 15, 2008 by Amanda

As I stated way back when, I’m tapering off of my antidepressant. First, I have something I’d like to say to the world at large (anonymously apparently): I have depression and it is a disease. Just because I have chosen to treat said disease does not mean that I am either lazy or have some sort of character defect. And just because I have decided to treat this disease medically does not mean that it is ok to half-jokingly ask me if I exhibit homicidal ideation or to imply that you have the best way to off myself. Thank you. /end rant

Ok, I’m glad that’s out of the way. I should also state that I do not discuss this problem in public and refuse to let it be known in my department. This is for two reasons. One, I don’t think it is anyone’s business. Two, I work hard on not letting this interfere with my life. The second is going to be what my post is about.

I decided earlier this year to try going off the antidepressant I’ve been on for the past year or so. I have a rather mild case of chronic depression and started taking medication because of various stresses (Dr. Man moving out of state, Quals,… umm… does there really have to be another trigger there?). Now, that Dr. Man is moving back home and I passed quals, I’m hoping that I’ll be able to go back to managing without the medication. In the past I’ve done so in a variety of ways.

The best thing I’ve come up with for keeping myself aware of my emotions is to track them on my calendar. I make a couple of numeric notations and it allows me to spot trends. I rank my overall feeling of sadness, stress level, and ease of getting out of bed in the morning from 1-10. In the case of the first two 1 being the least sad/stressed and 10 being going out of my mind. In the case of the ease of getting out of bed it’s 1 being the easiest and 10 being that it’s 9pm and I’ve only made it out of bed to pee. The first two may seem to be obvious things to track; the latter is my own personal indicator. It’s the first sign of things going badly. Every so often I even make a graph in Excel to look at trends (I know, I’m a dork). This also gives more information to my counselor. I can tell him/her exactly how long I’ve been feeling this way, etc.

I, also, use these indicators to figure out when I need to start taking care of myself. If I notice my stress levels are through the roof, I allow myself to take baths, read non-science related books, or play with my dog. Just to bring it down to some tolerable level for grad school. If I notice that I’m sad for many days in a row, I make sure I eat food. I try to make sure that food is somewhat nutritious. I, also, make myself go out with friends once every two weeks just to commiserate with others. [Sometimes, I exercise more, but not always. That requires a lot of energy that I don’t always have. I know that there’s a lot of research out there stating that the effects of exercise can be equal to that of an antidepressent. However, if I’m at about a 6 on the getting out of bed in the morning, how much motivation do you think I have to go out and exercise? Exactly.] Overall, I just try to pay attention to how I feel so that way I’m not struck “out of the blue” with great black cloud, so to speak.

The best thing I’ve come up with for working in the lab is to break everything down into small chunks that have stopping places. That way if in the middle of the day I just feel too overwhelmed, I know I can stop at step X and run an errand or just walk down to the courtyard. On the other hand, on better days, I try to leave something going that I know I have to come in for the next morning (eg. taking plates out of the incubator). Just doing that ensures that I make it in at a decent hour and helps motivate me to make it out of bed in the mornings. (I don’t try this during a streak of days in the 7-8s, but maybe when I’ve had some days of 4-5s.) I employ a variety of motivational tricks to o get started in the lab in the morning. For example, I don’t let myself drink any coffee until I’ve started my first round of experiments (trust me, this is pretty high motivation for me.)

I try very hard to keep my depression under control. These are a few of the things that have helped me both on and off medication. I’m hoping that this list will remind me that I do have these tools as I’m tapering in the next few weeks.

Posted in Life | 16 Comments

Perspective Changes

Posted on May 13, 2008 by Amanda

A short while ago the department decided to allow some students to meet with an invited speaker and to take him out to dinner (on the department’s dime!). I’m shy around people I don’t know very well (I know this makes me sound like a two year-old, but, alas, it is what it is) and I thought this would be a good situation for me to practice overcoming my (rather immature) shyness. So, I volunteered to be one of the students.

During the day it was all fine. The speaker was very interested in what everyone was doing, he asked good questions involving my thesis project, and offered advice on career paths. He did commit (what I considered to be minor) a few faux pas during the day and at dinner. I found these more amusing than anything else and Advisor came into the lab as I was recounting them to Roommate and Labmate.

“Then, at dinner he almost pushed poor Female Grad Student (FGS) off the seat. He pulled the old stretch and put the arm on the seat. Then, he kept scooting over until FGS gave him the hairy eye and asked if he needed to use the restroom,” I was telling them as Advisor came in.

“He did what?” Advisor asked.

“Oh Invited Speaker was a little… umm… handsy, I suppose,” I told him while Roommate and I sort of laughed. “He just didn’t seem to have any boundaries. You should have seen FGS when we dropped him off. He did the reel-’em-in-and-kiss-’em– on the cheek.” Labmate, Roommate, and I laughed. Advisor didn’t.

“That was inappropriate,” Advisor said, clearly a bit upset.

“I suppose he was. But he was just a harmless, handsy guy,” I replied.

I was a bit mystified that Advisor was upset. I mean, older men tended to do this. I, and other women my age, get called ‘sweetie’ and ‘honey.’ We get the patented awkward-arm-and-shoulder-rub. And, on occasion, we get the superior-who-is-a-bit-touchy-feely-but-not-in-a-threatening-sort-of-way. It’s always been this way from the time I was fifteen and a supermarket bag-girl who’d get hit on by the widowed 70 year-old men who’d shop on Saturdays.

“He should know better,” said Advisor. “It’s a shame that this experience has been marred for you all in this way.”

Then, it hit me. Of course Advisor would be upset. He would not be treated like this and, frankly, wouldn’t tolerate it. So, in his thought process why should I be treated like this? I have to admit that I felt (and still do) like a moron. Why is this sort of behavior ok? Why is it just an amusing anecdote to tell people? It’s sort of … I’m not sure of the correct word here (sad, pathetic, oblivious) that I never questioned it until now.

Posted in Academic Interactions, Life | 15 Comments

Rolling

Posted on May 9, 2008 by Amanda

Things are moving along with the house. Our mortgage company is working on giving us the Final Approval. All we’re waiting on is the underwriter for the student loans and the appraisal report. Until then I have plenty of things to keep me busy.

-Brother-in-law 1 (BIL-1) graduates from law school this weekend. So, the in-laws are coming up.
-Then, my parents are coming up just to visit and for mother’s day (not for me, for my mom… she wants to see me and I can’t make it down to HomeTown).
-Marie and her boyfriend are coming up for three days on their way North for vacation.
-I’m hosting Girls NightTM next week after Marie and her boyfriend leave.

In the midst of this I need to pack, get homeowner’s insurance, pick out paint colors (fun!), schedule the roofers to come out and start after closing, figure out the fence issue (find a fence/get someone to come out and put it up– there’s a lot of roots around the property line), and work in the lab.

The last point is the sticky one. I discovered yesterday that I was working with immature protein for my yeast stuff and need to change this to the mature one. Ergo, that means that I’m going to have to redo everything from the past few months and get it done before June– so I can do growth studies in time for Major European Conference.

I’m pretty ticked at myself for making a stupid mistake. So, last night I had this whole melodramatic pseudo-breakdown on the phone with Dr. Man. As in the I’m not good enough to do science. If I can’t remember to look for a localization sequence in a eukaryotic protein, I don’t deserve a PhD. I’m not smart enough and I’ll never have my own lab/do anything right/graduate. He did his best to calm me down and remind me that I work with prokaryotes (until the past two months), am not a total moron, and my favorite saying If you only had to do it once it would just be called ‘search.’

Posted in Grad School, Life | 9 Comments