I am my own worst enemy

So, I’m going to be honest here (mostly because I have a hard time being honest with myself and this will help), I’m having a hard time right now. It’s just normal run-of-the-mill grad school stuff. Progress has slowed to a crawl and I can feel that having an effect on my psyche. I’m getting this whole I’ll-never-graduate feeling with the associated panic. This feeling is absolutely paralyzing. I fear getting the results from experiments because it might be bad (bad in the sense of ‘It didn’t work,’ not in the ‘This disproves my hypothesis’ sort of way). That leads to me having a hard time starting experiments, concentrating, and getting out of bed in the morning. I’m trying to counteract that behavior. I’m going in to lab every morning and starting experiments right away. I take deep breaths. I walk to the library during experiments (it gets me outside and moving). I’ve also changed my daily affirmation from “Data = Papers = Disseration = Graduation” to “One day at a time. The g-word will happen, when it happens.” Because I’ll graduate one day and there’s no sense in worrying about it. If I continue to put in the effort with experiments, they’ll eventually work and this will lead to the Graduation Central Dogma (see previous affirmation). And everything will be all happy… right?

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11 Responses to I am my own worst enemy

  1. ScienceGirl says:

    Sounds like you've found a way to be productive when you'd otherwise feel paralyzed – good for you! I have these talks with myself too. The hope is that we are not just tricking ourselves 🙂

  2. It sounds like you are doing everything you can do to move through this phase. Keep treading water, and things will swing around. You're not alone.

  3. EcoGeoFemme says:

    Oh, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I get it too sometimes. If you just keep putting one foot in front of the other so to speak, you'll be surprised how much you seem to have suddenly accomplished when you start to feel better.

  4. Been there, done that. In grad school and the start of my postdoc. If you really care about your research and your contribution, then I think at some point you'll experience this. Sometimes we have to struggle through the muck. You're doing the best thing you can right now: pushing through it.

    And you will graduate some day. Probably sooner than you think 🙂

  5. chall says:

    oh, I am so knowing where you are, recognizing the feeling. I think you are doing the best way of dealing with it – one day at a time and sooner you will graduate. It's just a bit overwhealming with all stuff sometimes.

    I wish you the best and hope that things will turn around soon, sometimes it's like that but as long as you keep inching forward…. it's still forward!

  6. Karina says:

    I've been feeling similarly- very paranoid that my data are completely useless. I'm trying to give myself pep talks too and keep making progress, even if it is small. Small steps can take you a long way. Keep it up!

  7. scicurious says:

    I feel your pain. Just coming in and getting start is the best possible thing. Keeps you moving forward and makes you feel productive. Just keep swimming!

  8. Amelie says:

    One day at a time, yes. But I also need the occasional free day to relax my mind. Because if it is stressed all the time, it doesn't work so well, and my productivity drops. Good luck!

  9. Baby steps. This happens to the best of us. This is my coping strategy. Set up a few things before going home for the day that require attention but minimal efforts the next morning. Changing wash solution and the like. Get started on those things first thing in the morning, before you even check your email. It sounds silly but it makes me feel more productive if I can cross off 3 or 4 piddly things on my to-do list before the inertia really sets in.

    Most of all, hang in there. This too shall pass.

  10. Celia Foster says:

    When I feel hopeless and in a rut, I remind myself of what makes me happy and what I really want out of life. Yes, you know you will graduate. So, keep mixing things up in your routine a little when you can so you don't feel like you're trapped. If I feel bored and or depressed, I try to change the way I'm looking at it. I pretend I'm a curious child again where everything I see and hear is this new, amazing discovery. Try doing that–maybe it'll help.

  11. You will make it. I think all of us that have made it through have had moments (or days or weeks or months) where we've felt just like how you are feeling.

    Good luck!!

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