One of my dear friends just had a miscarriage. My heart is breaking for her. I know how much she wanted this baby. I’m too far away to go and visit her, but I’d like to send something (a card, flowers, something). However, I don’t know what would be appropriate or even what she’d like in this situation. So, I’m turning to you all. Any ideas?
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I would think a thoughtful card saying what you just said, and maybe call if that’s an option, or let her know she can call to talk if she needs someone to listen.
One of Husband’s closest friend went through not one, but two miscarriages with his wife (and then found out they may never be able to have children). She was devastated and took several weeks off of work to try and heal emotionally. I went for a comfort package — a card telling her to call and I would always be there to listen, a luxurious comfy bathrobe knowing there would be days in a row she couldn’t be bothered to get dressed and face the day, and a basket of teas (she’s a big tea drinker, but perhaps coffees or hot chocolate?) because I know at least when I’m really and truly devastated I just sit on the couch with a big mug of hot tea and cry it out.
I’m sorry to hear about your friend. I think Julie’s suggestion sounds wonderful. I think a thoughtful note, a nice blanket to cuddle with, and maybe some ice cream…though the last might be hard to ship.
I am so sorry for your friend. I think ethidiumbromide’s suggestion is totally awesome. If a call would be long distance, I would put in a calling card so that its easy for her to call.
I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. As someone who’s been there twice before, the best thing anyone did for me was just to acknowledge my grief as real, valid and not to be brushed off by the next day, NOT give advice or tell me the, seemingly good natured, but really not helpful things I heard from a few people, and offer a listening ear… maybe include a long distance phone card in the package if that’s appropriate, and let her pick the time when she’s ready to talk.
I’d also advise against flowers personally because I think it would be really hard to cope with watching them wilt and die….
I also thought you might find this link of what to say/what not to say to someone who has had a miscarriage helpful.
http://boards.weddingbells.ca/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1426103&page=0&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=&fpart=1#1426103
I’m so sorry for your friend. I’d send chocolate and a card with my sympathies and the offer to listen whenever she wants to talk about it.
This happened to a friend of mine (several friends, actually). I used a floral service to send her a small potted plant (not cut flowers) with a note. The idea was that as long as the plant continues to grow and bloom, she’d be reminded of her precious baby. That may sound morbid, but my friends who’ve gone through this all say that they will never forget that baby, and that having other people forget is painful to them.
I’m sure you’ll think of the right thing to send. And if you’d like to read some blog posts written by gals who are in your friend’s position (with tips on what to say and what not to say) let me know – I’ve got several links I can share.
I had two miscarriages this year, and if someone would have done anything, I think I’d have liked a nice card and some frivolous toiletries. Something to make me feel pampered when I was in such pain.
I got a lot of sweet phone calls and emails and those really helped.
I think the card suggestions are right on point. People have a number of ways of coping with a miscarriage. It’s nice to know that people care about them during the process.
I never miscarried, but I did go through years of infertility and heartbreaking cycles. I’d say: don’t send anything, just call and listen to her and tell her that you’re there for her. Getting stuff in the mail would have sucked (for me) because I wouldn’t want to see things that would be reminding me of my grief. A friend to talk to and cry with, though, is a huge comfort.
So sorry about your friend… Let her know she can share her pain with you without having to worry about making you uncomfortable.
From the little experience I have, and talking to people who have been through this sort of thing, I would go with sending something small like a card, saying that you’re thinking about them, that you’re there to talk. And then send them a funny post-card, or a quick note saying ‘thinking of you’, or something like that, or call, in a couple of weeks time – in the immediate aftermath there’s a lot of acceptance and love going around, so letting them know you’re part of that is good, but the world very quickly expects them to get over it – especially miscarriage, it’s not treated in quite the same way as a death although of course it is – and letting her know that you know that she’s still hurting, and that you’re still willing to talk about it if she needs to, after a bit of time has elapsed and people around her (e.g. at work) are moving on might be just what she needs.
One very dear friend of mine miscarried, and I didn’t manage to visit until a few months later. As soon as we were alone I mentioned it, very awkwardly, and she was terribly grateful – because she said she’d felt as if she HAD to act as if she’d moved on, for the sake of everyone else (she already had one child, for a start), and she said it was such a huge comfort to know that other people still remembered her loss, and to be able to talk to me about it and know she wasn’t boring me. So getting in touch again after the first flush of mourning and attention is over might be a very thoughtful thing to do.