A Lady Scientist- Blog

Dodge City, the location of Residency School, is located in The Sticks. This is not entirely unlike Hometown, which was (more or less) also located in The Sticks, albeit in a different region of The Sticks. Several of Dr. Man’s fellow residents are from other areas that are in The Sticks and some are just going native. This leads to the fact that several own guns.

This is only important because I am a not-so-closeted liberal. I believe in healthcare for all, helping those that are having a hard time, and science. I, also, feel squeamish about guns. I’ve never been of the belief that all guns are evil and only those that are going to rob a bank or overthrow the government own guns. I’ve never risen that far above my roots. However, I also don’t believe in guns for personal protection. I’ve seen some of the people from Hometown who own guns and, trust me, it’s a 70-30 chance that they’d shoot themselves instead of a Bad Guy. So, going into this it is important to note that I had never seen an actual handgun in Real Life and the only gun that I had ever seen in Real Life was my Dad’s shotgun (that he used for hunting).

This all started last week when Dr. Man asked if I’d be interested in going shooting when I came up. I replied, Shooting what?. He explained that his fellow intern, P., owned a couple of guns and wanted to know if anyone wanted to go out to the shooting range and give it a try. Dr. Man was (is?) an Eagle Scout and had shot a rifle before. Not wanting to be out done, I told him that I was game.

That’s how on Saturday, I was at the gun range with a very sleek black handgun in my hand. It looked like one of my Brother’s old toy guns. I was taught gun safety rules: never point a gun at anyone– loaded or not, keep your hand off the trigger until you’re ready to shoot, etc. Assured that I wouldn’t shoot myself in the head as long as I pointed the barrel away from me, I pulled the trigger.

The flash of fire and the jerk upwards startled me. I’d always heard about a gun “kicking” when fired, but I had thought about it more in terms of a horse kicking backwards– not in the sense of lifting my arms upwards. It was such a shock that I laughed and immediately want to put the thing down. I was sure that if I continued to hold it, the thing would decide to fire upon me. No, no. Keep firing. everyone urged, Wasn’t that fun? Try it again! So, I did. It actually turned out to be a lot of fun. It was sort of thrilling, in the way that it was like escaping certain death all the time.

I still don’t think that I’ll ever own a gun for “personal protection.” However, I think target practice could be a good stress relief with regards to grad school.

I think that might be a contradiction in terms. I’m trying to manage my time in the lab (and outside the lab) appropriately. I seem to have these bursts of productivity and then I just stop.

Usually these bursts of productivity occur after seeing Dr. Man over the weekend. I think this is because I’m away from the lab for at least two full days and am ready to get back to work. The stopping of productivity usually occurs on the 8th day of working in the lab straight. [An aside about my schedule. Dr. Man lives 6 hours away. So, I work 10 days straight then take about 3.8 days off– I go into the lab the evening I get back to start things for the following day.] And that productivity declines from day 8-10. Then the cycle starts over again.

As I write this I’m powering through day 10 (this cycle has 11 days). I’m trying to get motivated to run a simple experiment to test an enzyme. However, I also have work to do on Tricky Vector Construction and Project That I Unfortunately Fell Into and Interesting Experiment That Is Central To Thesis. However, I’m only working (currently) on the first two projects. The last one has stalled momentarily until the core facilities get back to me. That means that I have time to work on the simple experiment, but I don’t want to do it.

I think about going home and then returning to complete said experiments. However, I’m not sure that I would make it back. There’s something that’s a tad bit depressing about going to the lab late in the evening when everyone else is gone. It makes me feel really isolated.

I need to figure out a way to sustain my level of productiveness. (Read: waste time on the internet “researching” this. That may be the reason why I struggle with my “time.”)

I’ve had writer’s block. I have this habit of not posting anything that’s just not as good as I think it should. If it’s not profound or amusing, then what’s the use? However, the whole point of this blog was for me to write more and record some thoughts. So, here are some of the things I would be writing about, if I felt they were worthwhile enough…

-Thanksgiving. It was a great weekend. Dr. Man was able to stay the entire four days with me. We hosted our first Thanksgiving at my apartment. Several of my friends (who were still in town) came over and we literally had a feast. There was turkey, ham, green beans, rolls, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, asparagus and more. Plus desserts! Oh, the desserts. Thanksgiving is, honestly, my favorite holiday of the year. It’s a time that’s just about friends and family and food (!). It’s lovely to have people you care about gather around one table and share an especially good meal.

-Lab stuff. I have to submit an abstract to the Big European Conference by mid-March. And the project that I’m working on is (still) in the early stages. It involves some tricky vector construction that’s been a problem for the past few months. I (finally) convinced Advisor to change tactics and I’m feeling much more hopeful about the situation.

-Family stuff. I can’t seem to please them. When I got married, I changed my name to Dr. Man’s LastName. This was much to my family’s relief. Now, however, they think I should have hyphened it. I revealed to them that Dr. Man and I aren’t planning on “starting a family” (I always hate that phrase. Aren’t we a family? I thought our family started on our wedding day. Anyhow, I digress.) for a while. At first, this was joyous news. Now, they’re concerned that my eggs will be rotten by the time we get around to it (for those interested, I’m not yet thirty). I have a wonderful, supportive husband who is proud of me and how hard I work. They were pleased. However, now that I’ve told them that I average about 50-60 hour weeks, they worry about how I’m going to take care of him and said (theoretical) children.

Last night I went over to N’s house for Girls Night ™. There is a group of us that get together once every few weeks for dinner and talking. We all started grad school the same year and got to know each other during our first year course. Since then we’ve been friends and make an effort to get each other out of the lab and into the company of others (not mice or bacteria) once in a while. Last night was one of those nights.

I’ve been hibernating a bit. It’s been a busy year so far. I’m trying to produce data (so I can go to the Conference In Ireland next summer), take care of the Dixie Dog (this includes getting her– and me– much needed exercise), keep my apartment clean (this is to make Dr. Man feel better when he comes to visit and to keep from annoying my roommate), and see/talk to Dr. Man (it’s hard to line up our daily schedules to find an hour or so to talk… but that’s another post). After trying to meet these needs/obligations, I’m just plain worn out and do not feel up to being around people (I’ve been told that I need more time by myself than the average person). However, last night reminded me that it’s good to make the effort.

It’s really great to have a group of people who know exactly what you’re going through. When can encourage each other when things are rough (Quals!), complain (I swear, tomorrow I’m going to tell him that the project sucks!), and just discuss life (wedding pictures!). Last night was no different and no less fun!

My First First-Author Paper just got accepted!!!

I didn’t even know that there were other people in my situation.

All I knew was that out of the 120 people in Dr. Man’s graduating class, we were the only two that would be separated. That the Residency College assumed that I would be moving with him and asked me to join the “Auxiliary Housestaff Organization.” And that my family was appalled and alarmed that Dr. Man and I would be living apart. No one I knew had ever made the choice to live apart from his/her spouse in order to pursue other goals (educational or career-wise).

I knew that Public U. has to field questions, occasionally, by job candidates about, “Where will my Significant Other work?”. However, it never occurred to me that this separation was very common. It wasn’t until I started reading some academic blogs that I realized that there were others in this position. I didn’t even know that it had a name!

A little background: Dr. Man graduated from Medical School last year. He had talked to the residency director of Specialty at Public U. and it seemed likely that Dr. Man would Match at Public U. However, through a variety of errors and circumstances, Dr. Man didn’t Match at Public U. and Matched at Residency College instead. Residency College offered to help me find a spot in their graduate program. But Advisor is really good and we get along well (which I know is unusual). Plus, I was close to taking my quals and publishing my (first) first-author paper. So, we (Dr. Man and I) decided that I would stay at Public U. and Dr. Man would go to Residency College for a year. Then, he could transfer back to Public U. Hence, I am here and he is there.

It’s hard. And not only in the ways I thought it would be hard. The things I thought would be hard (not seeing each other everyday, sleeping apart, having to make time to talk, financial strain, stress, etc.) are hard. The thing that really took me by surprise were the unexpected difficulties. Like missing out on the minutiae of Dr. Man’s life (he started eating yogurt!). Like questioning my decision.

A few years ago, while getting my masters, in some leadership-esque seminar I had to list my values and priorities. While my career/education was up there (maybe this is a sign?), my husband was above that. Now, I wonder if I’m contradicting my values and being hypocritical. (I do want to clarify at this point that Dr. Man does not think this. In fact, he was appalled at the idea that I would quit my graduate program and transfer to Residency College.) I tell myself that Dr. Man is a higher priority than my education, but do my actions really reflect that? I’m not so sure at this point.

I’m blatantly stealing the InaDWrimo idea (from a variety of people, but I remember it best from Science Woman, ergo that’s who I’m citing). However, instead of trying to write a certain amount of words this month, I’m going to change that to reading a certain amount of words this month. I haven’t read a single word of science (well, hardly a single word) since passing my qualifier at the end of August. This has resulted in a stack of journal articles that I should (need?) to read.

To figure out how many words to read:

According to Nature Cell Biology the average number of words in their articles are 9,006 words. This seems to be comparable to Cell (approx. 11,000 words) and The Journal of Cell Biology (approx. 9,500 words). So, I’ll assume about 9,833 words per paper.

So, I need to read ~150,000 words.

Eek!

*So, I found the actual person responsible for the madness: What is Wrong With you?

Anyone else ever feel incompetent? In a switch from my inner monologue influencing how I feel, yesterday Advisor* actually said that I need to start making less mistakes.

The worst part is that he is right. I did screw up a project that has put us at least two weeks behind. In my defense, though, this delay has not been entirely my fault. The the arrival of the kit that is necessary for this project has been delayed by a week due to some administrative screw ups policy. Plus, my undergrad’s project isn’t working. It should be fairly easy and I’ve watched her go through the protocol. However, the results still come out… well… puzzling at best.

Then, the other undergrad that I’m working with (the one that doesn’t have a firm grasp on basic biology, let along biochemistry) doesn’t seem to be making much progress. The biggest problem that I’m having with her is that she seems to suffer from short term memory loss. For instance: last week she could not remember the spin time or rpm for a protocol she was following. Not so bad, right? The problem was that she looked it up in the protocol book and couldn’t remember it by the time she crossed the room. Again, not so bad, right? It happens to us all. However, it rarely happens ten times in a row! The best part (note the sarcasm) was that Advisor was standing right there. I’m sure that made me look amazing.

I hate this feeling. I like to be able to fix things, but right now I can’t. I’ve got to wait for the kit to come in. (It really is necessary… the only other way to do this requires about a month. The kit only takes three days.) Plus, I’m uncertain as to how to help my undergrads. The first one, well, I think it may be a problem with the reagents. One of the reagents in the buffer she uses is rather volatile and I don’t think she knows how to check to make sure it’s there; it should smell horribly. (Hey! This blog is already useful… I just thought about this!) The other, the one with the short-term memory loss, I have no idea what to do to help her. Maybe I should just have her carry around a notepad and transcribe everything? Most of all, I have no idea how to stop making mistakes!

*In all fairness, Advisor said this to everyone in the lab. Apparently, it isn’t just me. The senior grad student in my lab just made a mistake that will delay his graduation by a month. And that appears to be what set Advisor off.

A little about me:

I’m a graduate student at Public U. and live in a college town in the South. I just passed my qualifying exam in August. So, I am now officially a Doctoral Candidate. This also, at my institution, signals the end of my coursework and the commencement of my dissertation research. Not that I wasn’t doing said dissertation research before, but now I’m officially allowed to begin. I’m not sure what the University considered it before… perhaps just a hobby? Something to keep me out of trouble and off the streets?

Additionally, I just found out that I am one-half of a Two Body Problem (I mean, I knew I had a problem. I just didn’t know it was common enough to have a name). My husband, Dr. Man, is in the first year of his residency at Residency College and lives in Dodge. We’re hoping that he will be able to transfer to Public U. at the end of this year and can get the hell out of Dodge.

We are, also, the proud parents of a Dixie Dog. She’s a hound mix that we adopted about two years ago when she was 1.5 years old. She keeps me sane. That is, she makes sure that I make it home from the lab at a reasonable hour, get some exercise, and out of bed in the morning.

I’m sure that most of this blog will revolve around the navigation of balancing research and home and seeing Dr. Man. You know, the usual.