As I stated way back when, I’m tapering off of my antidepressant. First, I have something I’d like to say to the world at large (anonymously apparently): I have depression and it is a disease. Just because I have chosen to treat said disease does not mean that I am either lazy or have some sort of character defect. And just because I have decided to treat this disease medically does not mean that it is ok to half-jokingly ask me if I exhibit homicidal ideation or to imply that you have the best way to off myself. Thank you. /end rant
Ok, I’m glad that’s out of the way. I should also state that I do not discuss this problem in public and refuse to let it be known in my department. This is for two reasons. One, I don’t think it is anyone’s business. Two, I work hard on not letting this interfere with my life. The second is going to be what my post is about.
I decided earlier this year to try going off the antidepressant I’ve been on for the past year or so. I have a rather mild case of chronic depression and started taking medication because of various stresses (Dr. Man moving out of state, Quals,… umm… does there really have to be another trigger there?). Now, that Dr. Man is moving back home and I passed quals, I’m hoping that I’ll be able to go back to managing without the medication. In the past I’ve done so in a variety of ways.
The best thing I’ve come up with for keeping myself aware of my emotions is to track them on my calendar. I make a couple of numeric notations and it allows me to spot trends. I rank my overall feeling of sadness, stress level, and ease of getting out of bed in the morning from 1-10. In the case of the first two 1 being the least sad/stressed and 10 being going out of my mind. In the case of the ease of getting out of bed it’s 1 being the easiest and 10 being that it’s 9pm and I’ve only made it out of bed to pee. The first two may seem to be obvious things to track; the latter is my own personal indicator. It’s the first sign of things going badly. Every so often I even make a graph in Excel to look at trends (I know, I’m a dork). This also gives more information to my counselor. I can tell him/her exactly how long I’ve been feeling this way, etc.
I, also, use these indicators to figure out when I need to start taking care of myself. If I notice my stress levels are through the roof, I allow myself to take baths, read non-science related books, or play with my dog. Just to bring it down to some tolerable level for grad school. If I notice that I’m sad for many days in a row, I make sure I eat food. I try to make sure that food is somewhat nutritious. I, also, make myself go out with friends once every two weeks just to commiserate with others. [Sometimes, I exercise more, but not always. That requires a lot of energy that I don’t always have. I know that there’s a lot of research out there stating that the effects of exercise can be equal to that of an antidepressent. However, if I’m at about a 6 on the getting out of bed in the morning, how much motivation do you think I have to go out and exercise? Exactly.] Overall, I just try to pay attention to how I feel so that way I’m not struck “out of the blue” with great black cloud, so to speak.
The best thing I’ve come up with for working in the lab is to break everything down into small chunks that have stopping places. That way if in the middle of the day I just feel too overwhelmed, I know I can stop at step X and run an errand or just walk down to the courtyard. On the other hand, on better days, I try to leave something going that I know I have to come in for the next morning (eg. taking plates out of the incubator). Just doing that ensures that I make it in at a decent hour and helps motivate me to make it out of bed in the mornings. (I don’t try this during a streak of days in the 7-8s, but maybe when I’ve had some days of 4-5s.) I employ a variety of motivational tricks to o get started in the lab in the morning. For example, I don’t let myself drink any coffee until I’ve started my first round of experiments (trust me, this is pretty high motivation for me.)
I try very hard to keep my depression under control. These are a few of the things that have helped me both on and off medication. I’m hoping that this list will remind me that I do have these tools as I’m tapering in the next few weeks.
Wow! You are amazing for being able to recognize depression as a disease and for coming up with a system to deal with it. Congratulations and good luck!
It sounds like you have come up with a great system to monitor and deal with your depression. And I think it’s great that you make sure you hang out with friends, even if you don’t really feel like it. I have various friends who’ve gone through periods of depression and just seem to vanish, which surely can’t help.
“I should also state that I do not discuss this problem in public and refuse to let it be known in my department. This is for two reasons. One, I don’t think it is anyone’s business. Two, I work hard on not letting this interfere with my life. The second is going to be what my post is about.”
I can absolutely identify with that! I have mild agoraphobia which triggers panic attacks (agoraphobia is NOT a fear of open spaces, but rather a fear of not being able to escape certain situations – for example in meetings I have to sit close to the door with an easy pathway to the exit, or I’ll start getting those early symptoms of dizziness, nausea, increased heart rate and disturbed vision).
People at my old job knew about this, because it first started at work, and everyone was incredibly supportive. It turns out several of my colleagues had also had panic attacks. They’d leave me a seat near the door if I was late to a meeting and everything. However I haven’t told anyone at my new job – I don’t want them to think I can’t handle stress, as the job is really quite stressful at times. It usually doesn’t affect my work, but yesterday I arrived late to a seminar and there were no seats near the back. I stood at the back, but the speaker made a point of inviting me to sit down right at the front. I got through it with the breathing techniques my doctor taught me, but I was extremely uncomfortable the whole time.
I realise this is in a different league to clinical depression, but it’s so interesting to hear your different techniques. I hope the tapering off goes well. Keep us posted!
Your ability to deal with depression is very impressive. Good luck with the tapering and thanks for sharing!
I am impressed with your constructive way of dealing with depression on a day to day basis. I’ve been brushing off what I am pretty sure is mild depression as a grad school thing, which is probably why I so frequently come to a point when I just want to run away (or not get out of bed). Reading about your monitoring techniques and responses gives me a lot of food for thought, for which I am grateful. I hope the tapering off goes well!
Wow, it sounds like you are really vigilant. Thanks for sharing. As someone who has never been on that type of medication, I wonder why do you want to go off it? Does it have bad side effects?
Amanda,
What a great system to monitor and deal with your depression. Bravo to you!
It’s such a difficult disease to deal with, and the public misconception regarding it makes it much more difficult to deal. So thanks for sharing. You’re so brave.
I hope the tapering off goes well, and do keep us posted.
K
Hi Amanda- I’m glad you’ve been able to be honest enough with yourself to make these techniques possible. Best of luck as you cut down your meds.
Wow, someone else with the 1-10 rating scale! Depression kicked my tail in the first round of graduate school to the point of needing to take time off. It is a disease and anyone who says otherwise has their head up their hind parts. I’m also glad to see that you’re going off meds. Meds can be useful when you need them, but too much dependence can be a bad thing. For instance, I’ve had to manage highly addictive anti-anxiety drugs to get through exam periods. I’m glad that my depression does not also come with a tendency towards addiction.
Good for you!
Scientist Mother: Thanks for the compliment and well wishes. I can’t claim complete credit for the system. My counselor helped with it. š
VWXYNot?: Hanging out with friends is one of those things that I know I’ll enjoy when I’m there, but it’s the getting there that’s the hard part. I’m glad that your colleagues at your former job were really supportive! I can definitely sympathize with certain situations making you feel uncomfortable. And not wanting to seem like you can’t handle the stress.
Dancing Fish: Thanks š Obviously, I’m only so god at it though, with the meds and all š
Science Girl: Someone gave a seminar in our department about proposed method as to how tricyclics (a type of antidepressant) bind bind the serotonin transporter. In it he said that 20% of people in the US will suffer from depression during his/her life. And somebody cracked that in Grad School it’s got to be higher. So, I think that grad school can be a very real trigger.
EGF: Well, I’ve been through the bad times (as in not leaving bed for three or four days) and they’re unpleasant. So, it’s the whole ounce of prevention thing. As for why to taper off, there are a variety of reasons. For one, it’s recommended that with my particular manifestation to try medication for a year and then go off. Since there’s not a lot of long term studies on the effects, most doctors want you off after a year. There are some side effects that aren’t so great that I’ve experienced like grinding of teeth, decreased libido, fatigue, and potentiation of the effect of sedatives.
K: Thanks š I don’t like the stigma that goes along with depression. Although, I don’t know that posting about a disease anonymously really helps. But it’s a start.
Candid Engineer: Well, I’m nothing if not honest. And it did take my counselor telling me that I could use my control freak tendencies for good rather than evil š This system allows me to exercise those tendencies.
Academic: I knew that I couldn’t be the only one! It’s a great system! I understand with the additive meds. I’ve used some occasionally for sleeping and you have to be careful with them.
Those do sound like unpleasant side effects. I asked why you’d taper because I have a friend who seems to have consistently suffered from depression for a long time. He sometimes goes off the medication and gets borderline nonfunctional. When he goes back on, he’s happier, more lively, more productive. I asked why he always stops — a diabetic wouldn’t decide to stop insulin. He didn’t really have an answer, but maybe there are side effects he doesn’t want to discuss.
Again, thanks for sharing and good luck.
Like everyone else, I’m so impressed by your system for keeping track of your emotions and for decreasing stress. Good luck!
Amanda thank you for your posting. I have suffered for years with recurring depression and the side effects are difficult and the expense can be budget breaking. I cannot tolerate the generics so I have to pay for the brand names. I am excited about your posting because it is becoming apparent that my college age daughter is suffering too. I am showing her your system with the hopes that it will encourage her and help her with managing her depression. One idea that I might add is that I have a friend who is aware of my depression and we excercise together. I look forward to the time even when I am dragging and I feel better afterwards. Thank you again for your honesty.
Mom In College: Thanks! I'm glad that this post has helped a bit. And you're an awesome mom for noticing this in your daughter and helping her! I like your idea for an exercise buddy. Right now, my dog is my running partner and she's helping to motivate me. š If you (or your daughter) have any questions or anything, feel free to email me, too.
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