Long distance marriages/relationships suck. There’s just no getting around it. It’s hard on both parties and anyone who tells you otherwise is either (a) lying or (b) delusional.
However, there are some good parts to it. It has forced Dr. Man and I to really work on our communication skills. We’ve gotten more tolerant to each other’s moods and have learned to let some things go (eg. neither of us are at our best when stressed). We also value our relationship a lot more than we did previously. This isn’t to say that we didn’t value it before, but we now really know how important it is to both of us and how willing we are to keep it.
With these things in mind I’ve been thinking about the best tips I’ve received in dealing with a LDM (I received most of these either in real life or in anonymity, so I’m not crediting anyone here, but if you would like be credited let me know!) and what I’ve found. So, I figured that I’d write about it here in true Ladies’ Magazine style.
Tip 1: End the conversation when there is nothing left to talk about.
This may seem obvious, but it isn’t. Many times you feel that you have to keep talking for hours a day to make up for not being around each other. This isn’t true. Just sharing your day/thoughts/feelings is important and if it only takes twenty minutes, so be it. Staying on the phone long after the conversation is over just leads to fights.
ETA: N commented below about using Skype. I think it’s excellent. It sounds like a good way to hang out without forcing a conversation!
Tip 2: Share the mundane details of your day.
Yes, having a new thing for lunch or getting into a minor territorial argument with your Labmate sounds minor. But you would probably share such things with each other normally and not all phone conversations have to be deep soul-searching ones. Plus, just knowing these simple details help make you feel closer (even if you geographically aren’t).
Tip 3: Let the small things go.
This was the hardest one for me to follow. People get cranky when they are stressed (well, maybe not all people, but most people that I know) and can act out in stupid ways. So, if you snap at your Significant Other or s/he snaps at you, take some time to figure out if it’s really worth arguing about or if your S.O. just had a really rough day. Many times it’s the latter and being on the phone or email makes it hard to discern between the two. This leads me to my next tip…
Tip 4: Give your S.O. the benefit of the doubt.
Maybe your S.O. sounds like s/he is reading you the riot act while talking about things like (including the following, but not limited to): budgeting, time spent visiting one another, buying of cards for families, or where to spend the holidays. Maybe s/he is just tired and is thereby sounding cranky. It is always better to kindly inquire as to whether or not s/he is really cranky or maybe s/he should just get more sleep. This is much better than the following approach: “Why the f*ck are you blaming me? If you want X/Y/Z done and you’re not happy with the way I’m doing it. Then do it your own damn self.” Or something similar.
Tip 5: Enjoy the time you have together.
This was very important. Sometimes it’s easy to spend the entire time you are together focusing on how much it sucks that you live apart. It sounds silly, but despite being warned Dr. Man and I found ourselves doing this a lot. The times you are together have to get you through the times that you aren’t, so enjoy it! Even if you are just lounging around during the weekend focus on that and not what happens come Monday.
(ETA 2) Tip 6: Ideas for things to do together, while apart.
I’m adding this after reading some more comments below and I’ll add to it as I think of more ideas.
-Play games together online. Facebook is great for this. Also, Yahoo! Games. This is also great for conversation fodder.
-Plan your visits. Is there a new restaurant in your area? Or maybe a good hiking trail? Planning your visits together gives you both something to look forward to.
-Plan vacations. This is something Dr. Man and I did. We both liked planning our time together and vacations were even better. Since we tend to pick locales that give us limited internet access we were really able to get away from everything and have a stress-free time.
This may or may not help other people in a similar predicament. But, at the very least, I’d like to think that this experience isn’t a complete waste.
This post is interesting to me in the sense that I might need to pay attention to it if my husband and I had made some different choices in the last 6 months.
I received the wonderful opportunity to move across the country and be a postdoc at Brilliant U. My husband (also a science Ph.D.), acting selflessly, moved with me, despite having to leave his job. We have now been in the new city for a while, and he is still jobless. We try to keep our hopes up.
The issues that we have are not your issues. They are issues that evolve from a different scenario of the two-body problem: One partner sacrifices for another, and someone is left intellectually unstimulated in the meantime.
Perhaps the grass is always greener?
i heard a song recently that went: it’s not the rainbows or the butterflies but the compromise that moves us along – and this made me think of that too…
I’ve never been in a LDM but it seems a lot of these tips are good even if you see each other every day.
I have been in a LDR for over a year now! This is VERY good advice…with I had it a year ago 🙂
Good list Amanda! I would add that you should accept that you might have relationship issues that you should put “on hold” until the LD part is over. Husband and I probably have some things we can work on, but there is no point in doing so while we live apart (like cleanliness and chores, for example)
You are very wise, and like brigindo said, all good advice even for not-LD relationships. Now if I can just remember them…
How would you feel if your husband, who is not in the military, told you he wants to take a job that involves being in either Afghanitstan or Iraq for 3 months at a time, then 3 months off, and the 3 months on, etc?
My husband thinks I am unreasonable when I say that I don’t want him to go. I am worried for his safety plus I do not want to be without for that length of time.
Am I being unreasonable?
Candid Engineer: I do think that the grass is always greener. The two body problem is a beast.
Jen: I like that song. And it’s definitely true.
Brigindo: I never thought about that. But it might be true.
Christina: Thanks! Better late than never, huh?
PG: Very, very, very true. Dr. Man and I are the same way. And this is just something that we put on hold for a while.
Southern Grad Girl: Thanks! But I can’t take all the credit. Most of these were given to me by other people. The following through on the advice is the tough part.
swansonmej: I can’t really answer that for you. Each couple has to make that decision for themselves. Some people think that I’m crazy for not following Dr. Man to residency state. However, I’d probably be a bit hesitant about Dr. Man traveling to such places. Good luck on talking about this with your husband!
Thanks for posting this.
Have you found that you are better at making time to communicate as time goes on? I kind of snorted out loud with the “end the conversation when it is over even if it has only been 20 minutes” comment, because in the 3 months my fiance spent away this year, we talked MAX 5 minutes per day. I can’t fathom living apart for several YEARS seeing each other once or twice a month, and only talking 5 minutes per day. I’m hoping he’ll come up with a few more things to say as time goes on, but I worry about him sharing the little details. To save money while he pays off residency he’s moving back home, so he’ll have his mother to share all those mundane little details with, and he’ll have no desire to repeat them to me, forgetting that even though he’ll be living with someone, I’ll be here on my own.
Excellent post. My husband and I survived almost four years apart, and things were best when we did those things. We talked every day, and often it was just for 5 minutes, but there really is no point in forcing a conversation when you’re both tired and dreading the next day. I also tried to send photos of our children via the cell phone often, and that often cheered him up.
But whatever you do to get through the time apart, just remember that you will have to readjust to living together when that time comes. I was so surprised to find myself irritated that he was always around when he finally joined us again. I got used to having a certain amount of time to myself, and having everything in the house the way I liked it. And I still forget that he can help out with stuff, but that I have to ask him because he doesn’t always know what my routine is. I still feel like we are getting to know each other almost from scratch, and it helps me to just remind myself that we both changed so much over the time, so it’s really not surprising, or a bad thing. Just as you have to focus on the time you have together now, instead of feeling bad about the fact that you will have to part, once you live together again, you will need to focus on building your relationship anew rather than lamenting how it has changed.
You know, these things are probably good tips for relationships even if it isn’t long distance.
My husband is in England and I’m in Canada, so this blog post struck a chord with me.
Communication is so huge…
My husband and I have been living apart since Sept 07 and have only seen each other 3 times. It will be another 3 years before we can live together again. I find it very difficult to be responsible for the home on my own. There are many times I think that I just can’t do it. Any other tips?
EtBr: Eventually, we’ve made more time. We also make more of an effort of talking more frequently throughout the day. So, if something funny happens (or something that I know he’d find funny happens) during the day, I’ll call him and leave a message. We talk more in five-ten minute spurts now. And that ends up with more.
Acme Girl: I’m looking forward to Dr. Man coming back home (as I think of it), but I’m not looking forward to the readjustment period. I’m hoping that it will be easier than when we first started living together.
Wayfarer: I’m hoping to remember these when Dr. Man comes back. 🙂
Megan Monster: Communication is so huge.
OnMyOwn: That does sound like a rough situation. I don’t know about other tips other than having a support system with other people to talk to can be very helpful. Good luck!
My husband and I have lived apart for a year now. We use Skype every night with a webcam. It really helps to see him everyday. He usually calls when he gets off work and we just hang out together. Sometimes we’re eating dinner, sometimes we try to watch a tv show together. We don’t have to talk the whole time. This has helped more than anything to stay connected. I agree with the other points as well except for the 20 minutes talking because of the use of Skype.
N: I wish that we had used skype. I definitely missed seeing him. That’s a good idea… I’ll edit the post to add that, as long as you don’t mind.
My husband and I will be married 2 years in August. I moved with him to CA so he could attend graduate school. I spent the first YEAR jobless, and the second year with 2 underpaid and unstimulating part-time jobs. He’s preparing to move to Seattle for the summer for an internship, and I have YET to find a more permanent/ fulfilling job. Recently I have been offered a position teaching English in Korea for a year. On one hand, it’s the opportunity of a lifetime; on the other, I’m scared to death! I love him and I trust him, but his family are begging me not to go, citing the inevitable possibility of infidelity. No idea what to do. Any advice for me?
Great post! I agree with N; a webcam is invaluable in a long distance relationship.
My boyfriend and I began dating the very end of our senior year of college. Shortly after, he moved to NYC and I moved to Cambodia to work in a hospital there. Nine months later, I opted to move to NYC and work for headquarters of the non-profit hospital I was working at.
We had to do a few things differently than domestic LD couples. The time change was 12 hours which led to multiple frustrations. When he was calling after a night out (and a few too many beers), I was just starting my day at work. Skype and webcams were our SAVIOR. (Although internet in Cambodia is subpar and incredibly frustrating.)
Living together was an easy adjustment. The past year has been fantastic and we have thoroughly enjoyed waking up to one another and NEVER signing onto Skype.
However, I am now going to be moving across the country for graduate school and we are heading back into the LDR again. I'm nervous, a bit excited, and ready to spend a lot of time on Skype!
To add to your list, I think planning visits together can be quite fun. The anticipation for the next month or so can keep you going when you feel overwhelmed. I also love sending/receiving care packages regardless of the contents. Online games (Yahoo! Games) are a nice way to spend a Sunday evening together. Our favorite is Rummy!
I totally agree with your list. Keeping up with each other on a daily basis is especially important 🙂 Its really what keeps you in a relationship.
http://www.coupledtogether.com has a great blog with more great LDR advice
I've been in a LDM for the last two years now. My wife and I have a saying: it never gets any easier, we just get tougher.
Your tips are great, I just realised that I sometimes push to be on the phone while she, with a different timezone, has things she wants to do.
I just left again on a 5 month trip, I'll see her and my child for three weeks at christmas. It sucks… but in the end, this is the best relationship I could wish for. We trust eachother completly, never have a doubt about our relationship and still love eachother just as much as at the beginning. And we're not about to give up, we'll fight untill tides turn. Daily contact helps alot, so do small packages and emails. Just now, we spent time together watching a TV show on both our laptops and talking on MSN.
I wish good luck to any of you who are in a LDR or marriage. Just remember, if you can bare it, these relationships are way stronger then the regular kind.
Hi, my husband and I have been in a long distance marriage for more than 1 year already… He's in NYC and I'm in HK.We talk on the phone every day for 1 hour. I really miss him a lot and find it quite sad every time he said goodbye to me. I reaally hope very soon we'll stay with each other forever.
Blunt Beauty: Unfortunately, no I don't. I think that you'll have to do what's right for you. The only advice that I do have is to make sure to leave his family out of your decision making process. If I had moved with Dr. Man I would've been miserable and blamed him for it. So, make sure that whatever decision you make is right for you.
Laurwilk: Excellent idea! I'll update the post.
LR: I'll definitely check out the link.
Ben: It's very true about the stronger relationship. I do have to say that I have much more confidence in our relationship now than I did before our LD stint.
Lau: I hope so, too! Good luck!
I am also a biomed grad student with some time ahead of me (first year) and I got engaged and we must live apart because of our careers. Thanks for the great advice, I don't feel that alone!
I am in the same situation! However, I am engaged in the start of grad school (BioMed) and my future husband is a PhD working in a different city. I am glad to know that I am not alone! Thank you
I'm so glad to find people in the same situation I'm in!
My husband and I have been apart for 6 months with no end in sight, and we were apart for about 8 months during the previous year while he was overseas for his job. I lost my job in Feb. 2009 and eventually moved back home (1900 miles away) for a new job. He thought he'd be able to move out fairly quickly, but obviously it's taking a lot longer than he thought.
Our relationship has been a little rocky since the move, mainly because he doesn't like to talk on the phone. He also has this idea that you shouldn't have to "work" on a relationship too much. We just have different ideas on how to handle this much time apart. He copes by going out and doing lots of outdoor activities with his friends all the time (leaving little time for talking in the evening). Meanwhile, I'm still trying to make new friends and adjust. It's tough moving in with your parents when you're over 30. Communication has always been a tricky spot for him and the distance/time apart has magnified that. I'll spill all my feelings, but he keeps his bottled up.
To Jennifer
From a male perspective (and yes, this might sound a bit like stereotyping) it doesn't sound too odd to me your husband does that. I used to do thesame thing and it's hard to break that. Not giving into your emotions(mostly the sad ones) gives you a feeling of controle over the situation. You don't like it, but it feels complaigning about it will help you, so one keeps it in or does activities that mentally and physiclly wear you out. And ofcourse, this can cause misunderstandings if your partner -does- want to do this. I am not trying to say communicating isn't important. For some people, talking about it does help therapeutic, as if you get a load off your shoulders. For some, keeping to load on, is how they are able to keep going in a tough situation and they usually won't rest untill it's gone/resolved. I've learned to be a bit more open to my feelings and expressing them to my wife, at first because she needed me to listen and feel with her, later for myself. Just remember, your husband goes out to keep his mind away from sadness, not away from you. After all, he is in that situation because he loves you. If he wouldn't and would not think you as a married couple could bear it, he would've taken a way out. Not everyone is cut out to deal with long distance relationships/marriages. So just remember, he doesn't share not because he doesn't care, but because it's what creates a feeling of controle, like they still have a grip on the situation. And to some people, that is very important.
"You don't like it, but it feels complaigning about it will help you, so one keeps it in or does activities that mentally and physiclly wear you out."
I ment to say "- but it feels complaigning about it will not help you (or the other person), so one keeps it to him/herself or …" Sorry if I made a misunderstanding
Im a united states marine,me and my wife live apart for now.At first i couldnt deal with it well.But now that i have looked at this sight i think i can look at the brighter side of things.
LDM Sucks:
I have a LDM – we had a plan to spend 6 months in one country and 6 months in the other – but this is impossible – my husband has been given his ILR indefinite leave to remain – which is a jobe because he has not been in the UK for longer than 1 month at a time…I need to work to pay off my mortgage and we both now have grandchildren who we want to be near to…yes, we make the most of our time together…but switching the marriage on and off after 8 years together is making me increasingly unhappy….I have tried and so has my husband…but no matter what anyone says…a LDM is not a normal relationship…and do not convince yourself that it is…
I have been married for 6 years living 4 hours from my husband seeing one another about every other weekend. We have been together for 10 years and lived together only one of those years. As long as commitment& trust(extremely important)exist, two people who want to remain together, will.
I just came across this, and its stuff that me and my husband do already, but its good ideas all the same! I just wanted to throw in my two cents. My husband is Dutch, and I'm American. We're both 21 and live in different countries. Its very hard to deal with being separate from each other, but we make it work.
Programs we use to get closer:
Skype- Webcam and calling
Teamviewer- Allows someone to remotely control your computer, good for games.
And rebtel- Makes long distance calls local.
This was a great post; it really made me think about the things that my husband and I are experiencing right now. It was super helpful!!
I've been married for less than one year now and mine has been a LDM right from the start!!! Mine was an arranged marriage and I live in India and married to a green card holder in the USA. After the wedding we realised that it takes upto 5 years for a green card holder to bring his spouse to the USA, so my husband applied for a US citizenship to enable me to enter the USA in 6 months time. Finally after one year of marriage, my papers are about to be processed and I can finally go in July (after my first anniversary), but the sad news is that my husband has been posted in China and will only travel to the USA once every 2months to come and visit me when i finally go. I feel more depressed especially since mine is an arranged marriage and I need to work double harder on strengthening my relationship with my husband. When couples who fall in love and get married and stay together for many years itself fight when they're put into LDR's, can u just imagine what im going thru being in a LDM right from the beginning and without knowing the person properly and its gonna be one year since im married??
I am not married, but would love to marry my SO one day.
We were living in the same city for 6 months before he moved away (He absolutely detested his job). He has a MS in biotech, and I am a PhD graduate student.
We have been discussing (more like I am making a case for) the possibility of him returning to the area while I finish my degree. Although he agrees that our relationship needs us near, he really likes his job and it really brings him added stability and job security.
Am I being selfish for wanting to up-root him again for another 3-4 years while I finish?
I agree with this ladies post. Talking about even mundane issues is necessary and talking even minutes at a time is important. It's important to know you can answer his phone call and after a minute say I'll call you back with no hostility from your S.O. Conversations don't have to be long just touching base and sharing your day. I have been in a long distance relationship with my fiancee for a year now. He got a job and moved back to Philly, while I'm finishing my masters and still in North Carolina. We do silly things together like watch movies together or T.V. shows over the phone or skype. Often he will go to a local bar and I'll go to a local bar and we will just talk on the phone and pretend we are across the table from one another. "So what are you ordering? Oh that sounds good, I'm ordering…" Just silly stuff but it really does help. Then people around us start acting drunk and stupid and we share stories or take pictures of others.
I am getting ready to start living this life as my Husband is going to take a job in NYC while I am in NC. I heard a saying "Enjoy what you have right now before it becomes what you used to have".
Debbie
thank you for those tips…i badly need those right now because i really don't know what to do.perhaps i need to focus on changing my perspctve of marryng him to making compromises which i am not used to.when i marry him,all i know is to be with him and he is indeed my happiness and my life.but it seems this perspectve will make things worse on my part because i am in ldm relationship.haaay…i jz dnt really know what to tnk of to survive this relationshp.i always hv sleepless nyts and even lost my baby because of this…
Thanks for the tips! My husband and I are both scientists and have just gone LD. Its not perfect but reading your comments made me realise that it's survivable with the right attitude!! Good luck to you all xxx
My husband and I got married in January and I moved away in May to go to grad school. Granted, I'm in the same state and a 4 and 1/2 hour drive away, but its still hard. We see each other 1-2 times a month, but its not unusual for more time than that to go by. It has been hard…I've made friends and he has been having a really tough time dealing with it. He accuses me of having "my own little life" at school. He doesn't like it when I got out with my girlfriends, but claims that it isn't because he doesn't trust me. He is paying for my school, which is good and bad, because it means no school loans, but it also means that he feels like he can control me. We lived together for a year before I moved away and he never had issues with me going out then. I think its mostly that he doesn't know these new friends, what they're like, if they're bad influences, etc. I can't blame him, but at the same time its driving me crazy…grad school is tough and sometimes I just want to go out and blow off some steam with my girlfriends. I get his point of view…but I feel like, and this is not a new problem, that he doesn't bother to see my side of things. He gets something in his head, decides it is "wrong," and at that point there is no persuading him otherwise. Anyway, sorry to leave such a long post, but it has been weighing heavily on my mind, and it is affecting our relationship…its making me feel annoyed instead of just missing him and wishing I were home. We talk, we text, we skype, but nothing seems to be "enough." To make things work, he tells me that I "need to go out of my way to make it up to him and prove to him that he is my number one priority" next to school. I'm just not as dependent as he is…I love him more than anything, and he is my life and I can't imagine my world without him, but at the same time, I feel like he's starting to cling…any advice? Ha.
I've been in an LDM for almost 25 years now. My husband works in the Middle East. We have 3 adult children who live with me. My husband comes home once a year and spends a month with us. I happen to marry a very frugal person. He calls only when he finds a free WIFI connection or sometimes email me. When we talk on the phone in most cases we end up arguing about the children or money. When he is home I find it hard to adjust from being "single" to being a "wife". I've survived years being technically a single parent.Now as I look back I've made the decision of divorcing him because I don't see myself getting old with him. My husband wants to retire in the country of his birth while I prefer to live where my children are. I and my children live in Canada. My soon to be ex-husband is from the Philippines. I told him what I want to happen but he insists that we stay married. I find this ridiculous.