I met Laura when I was twelve and she was eleven (ok, so this is more than ten years ago). We both wrote poetry, had siblings, and like to read. And a friendship was born. We’d whine and plead and beg our mother’s to let us have sleep-overs and make brownies. Then, one weekend Laura’s mother told her that she couldn’t have anyone over that weekend because she was having treatment. Laura looked sad and asked if she promised to be quiet for the time of her treatment, could I still come over? Eventually, her mother caved and I came over armed with a “Sweet Valley High” book. That was when I found out that Laura had a chronic illness that required enzyme replacement therapy. Within a few weeks I decided to be a doctor and cure my friend’s disease.
This kept up through high school where I read “Hot Zone” and told everyone I was going to be a doctor. Friends would joke that I’d cure cancer. I took every science class that I could take in high school (which I wouldn’t have done without my parent’s encouragement) and declared that one day I’d go to medical school.
Then, I went to college and got a job doing research. That was it. I loved doing research. I liked finding answers to questions. I even liked coming up with more questions. I also realized that if I wanted to discover the cure to any disease the way to do it wasn’t through being a medical doctor, but a PhD. So, I shifted my goal of being a “doctor” slightly.
It never occurred to me to plan further than that. When pressed I told people that I’d probably be a professor after that. I wasn’t too concerned about the hours it would take or the time or the uncertainty. After all, five years ago all I had to worry about was myself.
Then, Dr. Man and I (somewhat abruptly… we’d been good friends for about three or so years) started dating and decided to get married.
Now, I’m in the new position of being uncertain about what I want to do in the future. I like the idea of being a professor, but what if I can’t do it? I’ve got to figure out a way for Dr. Man to be able to move with me to my post-doc, as I did my undergraduate degree at the same institution I’m doing my graduate degree (Dr. Man was going to medical school here before I went to grad school– and we didn’t want to do the long distance thing). Then there’s the move to get a job somewhere. And then what happens if I don’t get tenure? There’s another move. And now I’m thinking I may want to have kids sometime in the near-ish future. Can I really do everything?
So, now I’m looking into alternate career paths and places other than the large research-intensive institutions I had planned on working at. I’m being very careful in deciding what I’m going to do next. I’m trying to honestly evaluate myself and figure out what I’m most likely to be successful at. And I’m angry at myself for not just deciding the heck with it, I’ll give it my best and let the chips fall where they may. Then again I owe it the other person/hypothetical people in my life to be sure of what I want and what I can do.
I think this is what is bothering me the most about my position. Despite putting up with years of people telling me I can’t do something because I’m a woman, or criticizing my job as inappropriate because I’m a woman, or discouraging me to have a career because I’m a woman, for the first time I’m doubting myself.
It doesn’t sound like you doubt your ability to do what you originally set out to do but whether that career plan is really a good fit for the person you are rather than the person you were or thought you would be.
I have no doubt you CAN do it, the question is more do you WANT to do it, knowing that doing it means making sacrifices that don’t just affect you but affect the ones you love.
I have pretty much followed the path that I wanted but I’ve definitely taken the long way round due to my commitments to others in my life. While I haven’t changed WHAT I want to do I have changed HOW I want to do it. I’ve decided a lifestyle is more important than many of markers of success that I thought were so necessary back in my 20s and early 30s.
It is hard, mostly because the system can’t handle the importance of relationships, but it is doable. You do need to be flexible in your own thinking and allow yourself to redefine your priorities and not confuse them with other people’s.
I agree with Brigindo on this: it doesn’t sound like you are doubting yourself – you still like what you do, and I am sure you can do it. The question is whether it is worth taking on all the uncertainty and sacrificing the time with loved ones. I’ve been wondering about this myself, and I think I know the answer that is right for me, but still struggle with the decision to change directions. Good luck deciding what is more important to you in the long run!
Seems like a lot of us have the same questions… careers, rewarding marriages, babies, happiness. Despite the uncertainty, we will all figure it out as we go along.
You CAN do it, never let anyone tell you or convince you otherwise.
I am with the ‘do what you love and everything else will work itself out’ school. The single most important thing you said in that post was that you love to do research and figure out the answers to questions.
And, you don’t have to decide whether or not you want to be academic faculty at this point in your career…. You’ve got time! If you want to keep it open as an option do the very best post-doc that you can, and choose your mentor very very wisely.
And, I can tell you from the other side, my life CHANGED when I took an academic position. For the first time in my life I have a job that I love, and can pursue the questions I find interesting…
Hi
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Best regards
Henry
I love your passion to find the right path for your career. By the way, how's Laura now? You're such a sweet lady for thinking of becoming a doctor when you were young. And that's because of your love for your friend. Well, I hope all is well with both of you, Amanda. 🙂
~Morgan Humble
Like you, I wanted to become a doctor as well, but when I was 8, I found my talent in making stories to entertain my sister. After that, my imagination grew and I started writing. Now I am working in an office while I write my book in my free time. What I am trying to say is to follow your dream. Your mind will always find excuses to try and stop you, but if you want it, you can achieve it, just don’t give up.