A conversation
Friend Who Wants An Unmedicated Birth: Well, what did your midwife have to say?
Me: Nothing. I had an OB
FWWAUB: Really? Well, you’re lucky you didn’t have a C-section. At least you didn’t have an epidural, right?
Me: Actually, I requested one.
FWWAUB: Then, of course, you had to have pitocin. Epidurals always stall your labor.
Me: Well, the team wanted to augment my labor with pitocin first. I asked to have an epidural before the pitocin was administered. I was tired of being in pain.
FWWAUB: Did they try to force a C-section on you? Did you or Dr. Man have to refuse?
Me: No. The team did everything they could to avoid one. And, apparently, it worked.
FWWAUB: Well, you healed so quickly! You must’ve been able to avoid an episiotomy, too.
Me: Um… actually no. After pushing for 2 hours, Kiddo’s head wasn’t coming through. So, the doctor asked if he could give me one. The next push and Kiddo’s head was out!
FWWAUB: My god! You must’ve been so disappointed with Kiddo’s birth.
Me: ….
I had this conversation a few weeks ago and I thought it was particularly apt with some of the blog conversations I’m overhearing.
Kiddo was born about 8 weeks ago (he’ll be 8 weeks tomorrow!). I went into early labor at 1:30am on Wednesday, June 29th. For those keeping score, you can see that the total amount of time was about 48 hours (53 hours if you want to get technical). I know that for most people early labor “doesn’t count” (not my words). However, my early labor was not textbook and since it’s my experience I say it counts. It wasn’t textbook as in by Wednesday afternoon the contractions were five minutes apart lasting 45 seconds. However, when I went into the hospital Wednesday night I was only 2 cm dilated and 50% effaced. They progressed overnight to where by Thursday at 6am, they were 2 minutes apart lasting 60-90 seconds (keep in mind that contractions are timed from start time to start time) but I was only 3 cm dilated and 70% effaced. Contrast this with the textbook early labor where contractions can be 10-20 minutes apart lasting about 30 seconds– max.
Also, Kiddo was experiencing suspicious late hear decelerations at first and then later a lack of heart rate variability (See here for an explanation. Skip down to late decelerations.). The latter triggered administering the pitocin. The longer I labored without making progress, the longer Kiddo was experiencing fetal distress. As was later evidenced by the meconium stained fluid when my water was broken.
After writing the previous two paragraphs, I’m wondering why I feel the need to justify myself (I ended up doing the same with my friend above). I am happy with my birth experience. I never started out wanting an unmedicated birth and was vocal about that. My medical team was excellent. I had my own L&D room where I had complete control over the temperature and the lights. I was continuously monitored, but with Kiddo’s heart rate concerns I was more than ok with that. Dr. Man was with me the entire time. Throughout the whole process the medical team told me my options and why they wanted to do whatever (administer pitocin, break my water, have me wear oxygen, etc.). During the actual delivery the lights were low (with a spotlight on my lady bits– trust me I wanted the doctor to see what he was doing) and the NICU team– that Kiddo ended up not needing– was very respectful.
All that being said I’ve still gotten people who tell me that I made the wrong choice with going into the hospital, being admitted, accepting the pitocin/epidural, not seeking out a midwife or birthing center, etc.
I gave birth exactly as I wanted to (ok, I could’ve done without Kiddo’s complications). Why should I be ashamed of that? I don’t know, but apparently I am.
welcome to the mommy wars, medicated v unmedicated is just the first of many FAB (not!) debates in which you will not get to participate. Look forward to breast v bottle, cry it out v soothe on demand, disposable v cloth, public v inhome daycare and the list goes on.
I try to hew to the buddhist notion of intentions, we all intend to be the best parent that we can, and let go of judgment but sometimes you just get sucked into these conversations. I had a scheduled, planned c-section pre full term for both children due to my medical history. Hell I was just happy I was able to have two kids, but did I really need to explain that to all the well meaning people who implied I was a dupe of the (male) medical establishment? Hell no. So smile nod, and be content to know that you did what you wanted 🙂
Yay Kiddo!
I totally count this among my 'neutral to happy birth stories' (with the only downside I'll count being the kiddo's distress, and that being well managed, I say it's a win overall).
First, it sounds like your friend was kinda… tactless.
But second, the "mommy wars"… are endemic, but a lot of people don't mean to turn the judgey up to 11. I doubt your friend wanted to make you feel ashamed (particularly since they are, you know, a friend).
It's cliche (and untrue) to say no one can make you feel ashamed, but at the same time I generally agree "Self-judgment is one of the most confining psychological phenomena for women in our culture".
Anyway, it's very easy to feel somewhat conflicted between what one wants, and what one is presumed to want (or feels one ought to want). I don't know that's what's going on here, but if it is… yeah. I hear you.
Yeah, but it's not like you could just say: "Hey, baby, cut it out with the heart rate stuff!".
Anyhow, it sounds just FINE to me and, heck, after 40-whatever hours I would have wanted an epidural TOO. And, may I add, I did have an unmedicated, midwife-attended water birth at a birth center- but my kid didn't have complications and my labor was only eight hours long and only the last 4 hours were intense. (53 hours! OY!) It sounds like you didn't have any *unnecessary* interventions, as in ones that you neither needed nor wanted. To me, the goal was always to avoid the unnecessary, not to avoid ALL intervention. After all, modern medicine saves lives.
Anyhow, your friend's a jerk (about this at least), and if she were my friend, there would be some tiny, malicious part of me hoping she ended up with an epidural, an episiotomy, AND pitocin.
Yeah, but it's not like you could just say: "Hey, baby, cut it out with the heart rate stuff!".
Anyhow, it sounds just FINE to me and, heck, after 40-whatever hours I would have wanted an epidural TOO. And, may I add, I did have an unmedicated, midwife-attended water birth at a birth center- but my kid didn't have complications and my labor was only eight hours long and only the last 4 hours were intense. (53 hours! OY!) It sounds like you didn't have any *unnecessary* interventions, as in ones that you neither needed nor wanted. To me, the goal was always to avoid the unnecessary, not to avoid ALL intervention. After all, modern medicine saves lives.
Anyhow, your friend's a jerk- at least about this- and if she were my friend, there would be some tiny, malicious part of me hoping she ended up with an epidural, an episiotomy, AND pitocin.
(Sorry it posted twice; it won't let me delete it now…)
From a father: You have NOTHING to explain to ANYONE. Making you feel like you need to apologize is OUR baggage – not yours. Congratulations to you and your family. Your best is all YOu can ask of yourself. The rest of us can STFU.
Cheers
@feMOMhist Smile and nod really should have been my first and only response. I really did think I would rise up above the fray of the mommy wars. And if I didn't judge anyone, no one would judge me. Ha!
@Becca That's what I think is going on. As a self-identified feminist, I feel like I should have wanted this unmedicated, natural, etc birth experience. I really didn't have an interest in things going that way. But I feel like I should have. And thanks for the yay Kiddo 🙂
@Jenny I tried telling Kiddo to cut it out, but it didn't work. Kiddo is already ignoring my demands. 🙂 My friend is now entering the uncomfortable part of pregnancy. I may or may not be secretly pleased about this.
@Linzel That is true. I may need to bring STFU into my vocabulary.
Hi Amanda,
I found your post through Brigindo. Congratulations on your new baby! Before my son was born, I took classes for natural childbirth and I had decided, if at all possible, not to use any pain medication- But, once it was determined he was in a breech position, I was quite accepting of a scheduled C-section. (And then he came a week ahead of that, still in a breech position, and born with dislocated hips, corrected by the age of 4 months!) The important thing is the safety of you and your baby, and every decision you made was informed and logical. It sounds like you had a great doctor and birth team, keeping you informed along the way, and giving you the decision making power. You said it all yourself: "I am happy with my birth experience. I never started out wanting an unmedicated birth and was vocal about that. My medical team was excellent." There's never a wrong choice, the way you have your baby, if it's the right choice for you and your child. Enjoy, enjoy, your new baby, and be proud of those hours of labor, and doing everything right to keep your child safe!
Ah, the mommy wars. Since becoming a mommy, I've definitely added STFU to my vocabulary. Now, the real trick is not to say it out loud 🙂
So glad your little one is fine despite the worries during labor!
Definitely agree with all that's said above, but I'll emphasize that the Mommy wars are brutal, and I'm finding there's just no way to end them. BUT you can [try to] ignore them, and take advantage of a few strategically-placed STFU's. Other than that, don't feel ashamed, if you can help it. (Of course, I've never been all that successful at taking my own advice.) It sounds like you had a great experience, and that's ALL THAT MATTERS. Keep telling yourself this, and keep a picture of your little one nearby to remind you when you need it!!
🙂
You did what was best for you and little man James; after all, it was your child and you giving birth, not your friend or anyone else. Can I meet him one day?
By the way, I do a wordpress blog if I haven't told you already:
http://suaviterinmodo.wordpress.com/
What are you doing now that you have your PhD, Doctor Amanda?
I am late to comment here, but congrats on your new baby! I had mine on June 25, so they are very close in age.
There is a lot of guilt associated with birth, no matter how it proceeds. Becca makes a good point that much of it is self-inflicted.
So as not to hijack your comments, here's my recent post on adventures in epidural anesthesia and a brief account of my three birth stories!
Enjoy your baby!
you know, the more I read and hear about these "people we share the world with", the more I am inclinced to think "Just don't give a shit about my choices". As in, they clearly don't understand a)your experience of anything is your b)you are different from them c)what is "a good experience" isn't universal…. etc etc…
I'd just look at them and (inwardly) remind myself that clearly they need to validated their options by telling me that I need to conform to their choices since otherwise they are scared that they made something wrong… dead end.
lol get used to the mommy wars
from,
http://www.avtopicspot.blogspot.com/
Just read your blog and thought of my wife's experience in giving birth to our children.
The first was all-natural and took 28 hours. The second was with pitocin and took a little less time.
Sure there were moms (and dads) out there who we felt "looked down" on us for our choices (didn't matter what they were- midwives, drugs v natural, etc). Regardless, we made the best decision based on what we wanted.
Don't feel judged or discouraged by others' opinions. They'll always exist, but YOU are the only one able to make the best decision for YOU.
This mommy war stuff is out of my head. I pass 🙂 and just want to say Happy New Year to all Mom here