I have a question for all you out on the internets. But first let me give you a ramble-y set up for this question.
I’ve got a religious bent. I think I’ve talked about this particular quirk before. I try to be respectful of what other people believe and their wishes. Above all else I wish not to offend anyone. So, here in lies the sticking point: I pray for myself and other people. I don’t mean this in a get-down-on-my-knees-in-the-middle-of-lab way (but, at this point, I’m sorely tempted to give it a try), but at home, before bed, I do pray.
So, here’s my question (it’s long, I’m warning you). When something bad happens to someone my first instinct is to tell them that I’ll keep them in my prayers. Should I do that? Is that rude? Because it occurs to me that it may be bad form. [What if someone is adamantly opposed to any religion? Or maybe that makes him/her feel that I’m imposing my beliefs on them? Or maybe someone just gets squicked out by the idea of someone praying for them? ] Maybe I should just stick with ‘in my thoughts’ or something similar. Any opinions?
Hmmm…it depends on who I am talking to. Typically I’ll say either “you’re in my prayers” or “I’m holding you all in my heart.”
Both are the truth.
I’m not overly religious but I really, really, REALLY appreciate it when people pray for me. Honestly.
I don’t pray and I wouldn’t tell someone I’d pray for them. I’m not offended when someone says they will pray for me, but I don’t like it when they go on about the power of prayer, etc.
You are a very sensitive person to consider such a subtle thing. I bet you are a good friend. 🙂
I’m not religious–at all–however, like you, I think it is important not to tread on anyone’s beliefs and don’t like to have my beliefs–or lack thereof, however you see it–tread upon. However, living in the South I find the comment “you’re in my prayers” or “I’ll pray for you” to be a fairly common event. I don’t find it offensive or imposing. I think we all have ways of caring for others and if you’re way is praying I would feel good that you care enough to do it for me.
I think the only way the stmt ” I’ll pray for you or you’re in my prayers” is offensive is you are saying it in the context of saving an individuals non-believing soul. My impression is that you are making the stmt in response to something happening where you are praying for better outcomes, which to me, is similar to sending good thoughts / thinking about you type stmts. These are not offensive things to say.
What ScientistMother said! I have been “prayed for” when admitting to being an atheist or disagreeing with homophobic comments; those instances really pissed me off. Otherwise, its the thought that counts, and when used in a well-meaning manner, it would not offend me one bit.
Others got there first :). I’m reasonably virulently atheist, but can’t imagine being offended by such a reaction meant kindly. My wife and several good friends do have assorted religious beliefs, which have on occasion been invoked on my behalf – given that they *do* so believe, it would seem pretty ungracious for me to attempt to insist on not being prayed for (or whatever) :-).
I’ll throw out there a slightly different perspective. I’m Jewish. In general, “I’ll pray for you” and similar statements aren’t said by Jews. Right or wrong, I think of it as a very Christian thing to say. And even though I know that the person might mean well, it creeps me out a little to think of anyone talking to Christ about me. Too many conversion and proselytizing connotations for me, even if they’re not intended.
It’s probably just my hangup from explaining, “No, I don’t celebrate Christmas, stop feeling sorry for me” waaay too often as a kid, but yeah, it makes me uncomfortable. Even when I know that it’s equivalent to someone telling me that they care about me. “You’re in my thoughts” doesn’t have the same effect, and is 100% positive to me.
But, um, I don’t know, maybe that’s just me.
it makes me uncomfortable too. i am also a virulent atheist who has religious friends, but none of them are really the ‘i’ll pray for you’ type in the first place. i know that people who say this mean well, but a. i don’t know them very well, b. even though they’re entitled to their beliefs i can’t get over how futile an exercise i think it is, c. my first thought (partly since i don’t really know these people) really is ‘i’d rather you didn’t’.
i wouldn’t say that it’s rude (but maybe a little presumptuous) or that i’d be offended, but i’d probably be put off.
I agree with the last two commenters – even though I know it is usually supposed to be a nice thing, it still makes me uncomfortable. “I’ll be thinking about you” or some variation is safer and still sends the same message.
I have this problem, too, and the way I handle it depends on the person I’m saying it to. If I know them to be religious then I’ll probably say that they are in my prayers. If I don’t know one way or the other or if I know that they are very adamantly non-religious I say they are in my thoughts or I’m thinking of them and pray anyway. I don’t want to offend anyone and saying, “I’m praying for you,” has different connotations for different people.
For me, it really depends on who says it and what my relationship is with that person in general, and on the topic of religion. If it’s someone who I know is just expressing concern and support, and not trying to push his/her beliefs on me, then I have no problem with it.
If it’s a complete stranger, I might be a little annoyed because such a comment presumes that I share the person’s view on prayer. And if it’s someone who has actively tried to “convert” me…KABOOM!!!
I think it depends on what the topic is about. If I’m just having a general bad day, for no particular reason — just woke up on the wrong side of the bed type thing — it does indeed annoy me when my Christian friends tell me that they’ll pray for me. I’m not of their faith, and I don’t think a bad day requires prayer. I mean, really? A bad day? Seriously? But when those same friends made the same prayer statement in regards to my grandmother’s stroke and her massive brain tumor, it was an entirely different situation. It may be hypocritical on my behalf, but a piddly event doesn’t require the prayer of somebody else’s religion, while in the wake of a devastating event, it is comforting to know that you are in the thoughts of those that care about you.
My opinion will be no help because I grew up SO religious that it’s always been a little strange that I don’t say I’m praying for someone.
I think the opinions offered are good ones (even if a little contradictory).
May I ask who these people you’re praying for might be? My biggest concern would be saying something like that to a scientist and having them lose respect for you (right or wrong, doesn’t matter, it could still affect things, especially as a trainee).
It’s a good question, and it’s nice to see the different perspectives offered up by all of us commenters. I am an atheist but have Christian heritage, so at first my reaction was similar to the first few — it’s sweet, even if I don’t believe it does anything. It’s nice to know that person cares.
That said, I think Nicky’s point is important. The prayer thing isn’t so much about pro/anti religion as it is about the oppressive nature of Christianity (not of individual Christians!). So to someone who is religious but another religion, I can see how this would cause discomfort because it’s another reminder that in our country Christianity is considered the default (even for those of us who are lapsed/agnostic/atheist).
Either way, it’s thoughtful and kind of you to offer up the question, and shows you are a considerate person :).
I go with both saying, ‘you’ll be in my thoughts and prayers’. If some one doesn’t pray its alright for them, but I’m still going to pray for them so why lie? As long as you’re not praying for their conversion to your faith it shouldn’t offend anyone and if it does they’ve missed the point.
I think if it’s natural in conversation for you to want to say “you are in my prayers,” you should just say it. You shouldn’t have to censor yourself. This is not to say that all the comments thus far haven’t been valid and insightful. With that said I don’t pray (I use to) and I get a little wigged out when people tell me they will pray for me, and a stranger has never said it to me. I just smile and change the subject.
I was also going to suggest “in my thoughts and prayers”.
As an atheist I would never be offended by someone saying they’d pray for me, IF it was out of genuine friendship and compassion, not, as others have said, praying for my conversion. I would find it strange and possibly uncomfortable, to be sure, but I would see the good intentions behind the words.
Everyone else has pretty much said the same thing – I wouldn’t be offended if someone said this to me and I’m not overly religious. I do pray nightly as well though – I generally say “I’ll be thinking of you” just to make sure I don’t offend anyone, but also because I prefer not to share my spiritual beliefs with a lot of people. I find people in academia can make a lot of assumptions if they think you are religious, and i prefer to avoid them.
I echo other comments that it is very thoughtful of you to consider this. I am hypersensitive about religion. Being Pagan in the Deep South hasn’t helped. I’m that person who says ‘Happy Holidays’ instead of ‘Merry Christmas.’ However, I think the prayer statements are totally contextual. There was a time when it bothered me at any point, but I’ve mellowed- I’m not as threatened as I used to feel. When something rough has happened- my husband deployed, grandma died- I didn’t really mind the good intentions, however they arrived. But when my waaay religious in-laws brought prayer or God, etc up in every single gosh darned phone call, card, e-mail, and conversation, it was way too much. Break a dish? I’m praying for you. Cat has fleas? I’m praying for you. Too me, it showed an arrogance and a lack of consideration for my beliefs. Also, I think that in general, ‘you’re in my prayers’ is a more tactful statement than ‘I’m praying for you.’
I don’t personally think this is a big deal. I do not pray, nor do I believe in it, but when people say that to me, I just tell them thank you. It is obviously meaningful to them, and I don’t think they mean it rude, so I don’t find it offensive. Like SM, the only way I think it would be offensive is if someone said they were praying for me because of my lack of religious beliefs.
i’m on both sides of the fence, in ways that other people have mentioned. don’t tell me you’re going to pray for my soul, or that one day i will see the light and join the family of jesus.
if my mom gets sick and you tell me i am in your thoughts and prayers, i appreciate it very much.
don’t tell me you’ll pray for me on every little thing – it’s like a reason to showcase your religion.
if it’s really serious and i’m really distressed, and it’s heartfelt and sincere, and you’ve never tried to convert me…i appreciate the gesture.
and finally, my Gma-IL does this – if things turn out right (like someone stops being sick), she says to EVERYONE…”Thank God *my* (emphasis added) prayers were answered!!!” Definitely, definitely don’t do that :).