I have thoughts about things, but nothing really coherent. So, I figured I’d start a list:
- This is the first time that I’ve seriously considered quitting grad school. I know that I have enough to master out and that I could find a job in the area. And maybe I just don’t want to do this anymore. But I won’t quit because I don’t want the projects to win (Damned Yeast Project and Pretty Colored Project– the latter really needed a new name). So, I’ve made a deal with myself. I can quit as soon as I get both of those projects to work. Pretty Colored Project really isn’t that big of an issue as it’s making progress right now. However, Advisor really wants Damned Yeast Project to pull ahead because it’ll work better grant-wise. I agree, but, for crying out loud, let me work on the one that’s making progress! Anyhow, as soon as they work, I’m out of here.*
- The fleas are consuming poor Dixie Dog. We’ve been trying the Advantix and Frontline. We’ve moved on to a pill called Comfortis. She started on it last evening. I got 10 dead fleas off her yesterday. I hope this will help. It breaks my heart to see her chewing and scratching.
- I don’t like it when owners, purposefully, allow their dogs to run around the neighborhood. I understand (and believe me, I do) when they make a break for freedom. But, srsly? Do you not understand that in car v. dog, the dog never wins?
- I’m so happy that Dr. Man is done with his exam. He’s much more pleasant now. I think that’s better for the long-term prospects for our marriage.
- I do not like the Twilight series. Honestly, it creeps me out. But I can understand the draw of them. I have more thoughts on this, but they’re not too terribly original. These thoughts can be summed up as: I remember in high school feeling horribly unpopular and uncool (not that it’s changed, I just don’t care anymore). I also know that we (my particular group of friends at the time) thought it was terribly romantic for a guy we were interested in to come over unannounced and wouldn’t it be romantic if he just watched you sleep (insert squeel here). So, just combine the two and: voila! A hit! [In real life that’s just creepy. If I woke up with Dr. Man staring down at me, I’d start hiding the kitchen knives (just sayin’).] So, there you go.
- Yes, I know I’m not hard to find. I’m not really what one could even call pseudonymous. I just try to keep Google from spitting this blog out when my name is searched (I’m certain that people are constantly searching my name. I know, sarcasm, my grandmother tells me is not becoming).
- I’ve discovered a new annoyance and I’ll share it with you: I’m annoyed when a person spends N minutes (where N > 0) complaining about a pervasive problem (eg. the economy or the problem with animal models) and then proceeds to spend 0 minutes proposing a viable solution.
*Dr. Man has pointed out that after I beat the Projects of D00M down, I won’t want to quit. That may be true, but I really want to beat them down and I really want to quit. So, I figure that the order is important (since I can’t achieve the beating down if I reverse the order). I told him that I’d be willing to reevaluate after the beat down.
I made the opposite deals – if I failed this exam, I’d let myself quit grad school. If I didn’t make progress within the next 3 months, I could call it good and leave. I always pulled out of it, but I remember how discouraging and awful the process was at times. I very much hope research drastically improves soon.
Wow. I feel like I could have written your first bullet point at several different times in the last couple of years. One thing I have observed is that the longer you stay, the harder it is to leave. This is because at some point, it will feel like you’ve already put in so and so many years and if you leave now without a PhD, those years will feel wasted. I can’t tell you how many people have told me this. They’re miserable, they don’t want to do bench science when they leave so they’re not sure why they are getting a PhD anymore except that if they left now they would have nothing to show for the last 6 or 7 or 8(!) years.
I’m not telling you that you should leave. That’s something only you can decide. It’s just that I recently had this exact conversation with someone else and the above was the best piece of information I could give her.
Also: I totally agree with you about the Twilight books. Although, I never thought it would be romantic for someone to watch me sleep. 🙂
What ilovesciencereally is talking about is called the Concord Fallacy. Once you've invested so much, the more you will invest in the future, even if it will never pay off.
I'm sorry to hear you are having a rough time lately. Hopefully, things will be more clear and you'll have an easier decision (whichever why it goes) after the beat-down.
I'm with you on Twilight. Don't get it at all. I'd rather watch the Leonardo DiCaprio Romeo & Juliet for my tragic love story fix! On my recent field trip, I woke up from my car-nap to find on of the grad students staring at me. They were waiting for me to wake up to ask an important science question and it turned into a joke but it was very unsettling at first!
post-doc: I hope so, too. Our collaborator thinks it will. I just need to think so, too.
Mrs Whatsit: It’s definitely part of it. I’m so far in that I might as well stick around for a little while more. And, unfortunately, I really want to see how this experiment works out. It’s just being difficult.
I think the watching you sleep business is from the movie Armageddon.
Albatross: That definitely would’ve freaked me out! It freaks me out when my dog does it, so a person…
Gah! I have been through that first bullet a few times, and it is never fun. I hope things improve soon!
I didn’t know the Concord Fallacy had a name, but I’ve been there, too. I’m trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel (easier when my projects are sort of making progress, which fortunately they seem to do at the moment). Best of luck, and take care. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time on so many fronts at the moment. My blog is rather non-pseudonymous as well, which makes writing about difficult things tricky.
I have been with you and Mrs. Whatsit, and multiple other grad students throughout the years. Yet somehow, I keep plugging. I think it’s that, when you’re just ready to quit, you get some awesome data, and then you kind of feel like it’s worth it. But whatever decision you make, your friends will stand by you. No shame in whether or not you have a PhD.
I’ll just say… if you’re a 4th year, and this honestly the FIRST time that you’re seriously contemplating quitting, you’re actually doing surprisingly well. Everyone I know hits that point several times (at least once before quals, usually once a few months after passing quals, once in the 4th year, and one final time towards the very end of the thesis research). It almost always passes. But I think that you have the right plan — finish what you’re working on now, then reevaluate and see how you feel. Good luck!
We have a couple of dogs that roam the neighborhood too. It’s awesome because MY dog? HATES other dogs. This makes the confrontations where I have to get in the middle of two snarling dogs AWESOME.
Science Girl: Thanks! Me too. So far, not so good.
Amelie: It does make writing about things somewhat tricky. What I’m really annoyed about is that someone “found” me out and was very proud of his/her-self (and may or may not have threatened to “out” me, but I know s/he won’t. Also, I’m a fairly open person, so it’s not like I write anything on here that I wouldn’t tell anyone if asked.)
Scicurious: It’s been a little while since I’ve gotten that data boost. I figure it’s unfair to make any decision until I get one 🙂
Nicky: Well, I’ve joked about it, but this is the first serious time. I’m hoping that it passes because I’m thinking (now that I’ve had some time) that I really do want this (a Ph.D., not the non-progress).
Aunt Becky: Mine isn’t very fond of other dogs when she’s on a leash. So, this leads to me squeaking at the other owner to please get their dog away and try to drag the Dixie Dog in the opposite direction. Full of awesome.
I’ll echo what other commenters have said about everyone going through this during grad school. I thought seriously about leaving academic science for about 2 years straight in grad school, looked for non-academic jobs after graduating, thought about leaving again for a year during my postdoc, and looked for non-science jobs after my postdoc. And after all that, here I am still in academic science and I’m really, really glad I stayed.
Everyone’s different, and it just took me a little longer than most people to find the right academic research position for me. I know this may not help you right now, but faculty positions are very, very different from being a grad student or even a postdoc. If you don’t want to continue on this path any longer, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with cutting your losses and looking for something else that makes you happy. But if you still think you want to be an academic scientist, don’t let the lows of grad school deter you. Even for the best and luckiest, grad school is an exercise in endurance and persistence.