Why is it that I have so little faith in myself?* I made a really stupid mistake in the lab today (accidentally dumped a sample that I sort-of cared about) that really won’t set me behind very much (maybe by a day or a few hours). Somehow this is indicative of my entire laboratory career and, ergo, myself. It’s not as if no one has ever screwed up before (or as if I have never screwed up before) and, usually, it ends up being fine. So, why is it that this relatively minor mistake is such a big deal? It triggered all sorts of feelings of incompetence and idiocy. When, objectively, I’m neither of those things (ok, it’s not that I have a big head or anything– I asked CurrentLabMate). And yet…
This does mean an end to my cozy little work schedule, though. Alas, it was over before it began.
* Dr. Man says that he has faith in me. In fact, he has many faiths in me: Christianity, Buddhism…
No no no! Stick with the work schedule!
What you are describing is the chronic misperceptions of inadequacy brought on by grad school trying to beat any ego or general desire for a “normal” life (whatever that is) out of you.
The easiest way to be in a position of power and to get people to do what you want is to create an environment of fear. That’s grad school: it fosters fear that you aren’t good enough, fear that you won’t finish, fear that someone will discover that you’re not smart enough, fear that you’ll never make enough money to pay of your student loans, fear that you’ll never get that TT position…and so you feel helpless and hopeless and you don’t try to cause any trouble.
You don’t clamor for better pay, better hours, better benefits, or even a little respect.
And so you become a slave to the lab bc you believe what they told you — that there is no other way to do this except to work harder and keep your head down.
The solution: refuse to give into the fear. It isn’t real, it is a construct of your environment (grad school) playing out in your head.
You are more than smart enough, good enough, hard-working enough and you deserve some respect for that…so start with a little self-respect. Don’t kick yourself over your little mistakes. They’re not a big deal! Don’t be your own enemy! You are not perfect, nor do you need to be to have a PhD. Refuse to be beaten, either by yourself (most likely) or whoever else is in charge.
You’re awesome, so start acting like it!
[That was the longest comment ever, and not at all meant to marginalize your frustration…I just snapped myself out of a funk that sounds remarkably similar to what you just described and wanted to pass on the good thoughts. Hang in there – things will get better.]
I agree with Ambivalent.
I know I make fewer mistakes if I give myself time to rest. You might find that you do too if you give yourself more time on The Good Schedule. Plus, you’ll free up your mental engery for thinking about real work instead of beating yourself up over small mistakes.
Ambivalent and EGF are right! Your good schedule not only will have you rested and making less mistakes as a result, but it will let you wrap your head around bigger ideas and look at things more high level, which is going to help you in the long run. Don’t fall into the same trap again! (ok, at least that’s what I keep telling myself).
I agree – do your best despite this annoying setback to take the time for yourself that you need and promised.
how could you not agree with the above? fantastic advice, though its guilt-free practice is what eludes me. i think, though, that taking the time off and seeing firsthand that the world doesn’t crumble around you as a result helps reinforce the cool that comes with non-grad school (‘me’) time.
that said, the ups and downs in this grad school business are ridiculous.
but we’re up to it.
stick to the schedule! Just pretend you have monkey at home so you have no choice! the schedule will make you feel better. Also lots of great discoveries were made by accidents, so don’t sweat the mistakes.
I agree- stick with the schedule! Accidents will happen either way and keeping your schedule will help keeps things in perspective.
When I starting screwing stuff up that’s a clear sign that I need a break. Last week I managed to successfully purify about 10 mg of protein to almost 100% purity–and then lost over 90% of it. That meant, go home early that day, which luckily was a Friday, don’t go in that weekend, and come back ready to consider it again on Monday. It was exactly the right plan. Don’t fall for the “mistake = redoubling effort” trap (no matter how many times your Boss says it).
AA: You’ve definitely nailed down all my fears. I’m fairly certain that I’ll never graduate. You’re right. It’s just hard for me to believe that in the concrete as opposed to the abstract. Thanks for thinking that I’m awesome (that makes one of us) 🙂
EGF: The freeing up of mental energy would be good. It’s hard not to focus on the mistakes entirely, though.
Science Girl: Well, it’s Friday afternoon and I’m planning on getting out of here around 7ish. So, that’s not too bad… right?
Silver Fox: Well, I’m reserving my one day off this weekend. I think.
Physcienne: The guilt-free thing is hard, too. I feel like I should be making more progress than this. It’s hard not to feel like grad school should be my life.
Scientist Mother: You’re right. Dr. Man votes for me to spend time at home this weekend. However, I bet it’s easier to reason with Dr. Man than your little monkey!
Albatross: That’s the part that trips me up. If they happen either way, then… But I get the point 🙂
Title Troubles: That trap is hardest to avoid. I may avoid it… but I’m doubting it.