It seems that I have blank screen anxiety with everything right now. I’ve been thinking about writing a blog post, but I haven’t been able to write anything that seems (1) profound or (2) even just a bit entertaining. Or (3) I’ve been consumed with anxiety about writing something that I think is somewhat entertaining, but really isn’t to anyone else who doesn’t live inside my head (which, frankly, is a valid concern). Another idea that has been running through my mind is that I have been edging towards whining a lot here and I should stop that.* Whining isn’t really going to help anyone– unless it’s funny, but that puts me back to some-what-valid-concern #3. To make matters even more convoluted is that the busier I am, the more I want to whine and the more I want to whine the more I want to blog and so it goes (apparently in run-on sentence form). To break the cycle, I figured I should just post something– anything really– and just write.
This blank screen anxiety seems to have been brought on by the dreaded, twice-yearly committee meeting and the progress report that it entails. The committee meeting itself isn’t really all that too terribly traumatizing. It’s just that I don’t think I have enough data to make one necessary. Since my last committee meeting (in February) I have done:
– Submitted abstract to Major European Meeting
– Shown poster at Major European Meeting (this shows only a moderate amount of progress on Damned Yeast Project)
– Made approximately two major design mistakes (one of which I will share the blame with Advisor and, luckily, he admits to some blame)
– Made hardly any progress on Interesting Technique Project That Requires Fancy Piece of Equipment
And that’s about that. I have some great data for troubleshooting, but nothing new and exciting. Mostly just along the lines of “Yep, tried this. But I found out it didn’t work because of X. So, I tried Y next and that isn’t going to work because of Z.”
I have a clear plan on where to go from here (basically, I was able to design a new plan to surmount problems X and Z and I’m getting better at multi-tasking). It’s just that implementing this plan since I’ve gotten back has been rather slow going because workaround L took a good long amount of time and that yeast just grow slower than bacteria (seriously, much slower– it’s driving me up a wall). And my ability to multi-task on projects recently has been rather abysmal. I tend to focus a lot on one particular project and I follow it through until I’m done. The only problem with that is all the other projects I need to do at the same time suffer. Especially since my Interesting Technique project has fallen off Advisor’s radar and it’s easier for me to focus on what he considers urgent.
Ultimately, though, my lack of progress over the past six months really is my fault. More should have gotten done and it’s my fault that it hasn’t. The mistakes that I made are my fault. What, I suppose, it comes down to is that I already feel badly about screwing things up and I’m working twice as hard to fix them. So, I’m dreading more people telling me that I’ve failed. I can make myself feel that way enough on my own. I guess I should just hope that I don’t screw things up as much in the next six months, huh?
* This post is still me whining. But I’d liken it more to verbal diarrhea. A fine distinction, but a distinction nonetheless.
I hope you are just being too hard on yourself (I do that a lot), and that your committee will see things in a different light. Good luck!
(And I totally understand the anxiety… hang in there).
What’s the fancy piece of equipment? Sounds cool.
I say that you should just label a post “Whining” and fill it with all your complaints, then 1) you’ll feel better for getting it all out there, and 2) your readers (not me of course!) can skip over it if they don’t want to hear whining that day. That’s MY solution to the problem! ~LOL~
Whining is what blogs are for. That, and cat photos.
I agree with cath@vwxynot… and funny links…
I third Cath’s assessment.
While you don’t have a lot of data, being able to troubleshoot and showing persistence are skills that will get you further in science and academia. Hopefully the committee will recognize that.
I just hope you don’t worry too much about it. As someone who obsesses about past things I can’t change, your attitude of moving forward and working harder from here on sounds great!
Science Girl: I might be (being a bit hard on myself). I’ve started gathering my data for my presentation and my progress report. It’s not looking too bad so far. Just not what I wanted and not close to the “two month project, tops” that Advisor promised.
Perry: Well, you know. Google and all. It is pretty cool in a nerdy sort of way. 🙂
Heather J: I think I’m going to take your advice and just get it all out.
Cath: I do love cat photos (and other pet photos).
Mimi: Funny links are good. I do enjoy them… I’ll have to share some.
Albatross: I hope so, too! I am getting pretty good at troubleshooting. I do spend a lot of time ruminating on the past. I’m trying to stop doing that. All it does is make me even more anxious. I’m hoping that this new attitude works better for me, too!
Late comment: hopefully the post helped your blank screen problem. And I found it quite interesting, and your ‘run-on sentences’ are great and seem to flow wonderfully.