FlightyUndergrad has a habit of comparing her hard, pre-med, course-laden undergrad life with my easy, course-free grad student life. She has said such gems as: “Well, at least you don’t have to study” and “You just don’t understand. My parent’s check is late. You have a stipend” and, my favorite, “Since you’re going to be here anyhow could you do X,Y, and Z for me. I’ve got ::insert social activity here:: tonight.”
I’m not quite sure why this annoys me so much. She has no bearing on my reputation or standing with Advisor. Her comments are ignorant and sometimes veer towards less than kind, but, as she’s only here for a few hours a day a few days a week, the comments shouldn’t matter that much.
However, I do feel the need to educate her and relieve her of this ignorance. Instead of yelling at her, I’ve patiently explained that “While I don’t take classes, I still have to “study.” I take home reading and am expected to keep up with the literature. Additionally, I don’t work the prescribed 3-hours-in-lab-per-credit-hour-I’m-registered-for, but, in fact, I work many more hours than that.” Her response to this was (and I’m paraphrasing here), “but that’s a choice; it’s not required.” Indeed. At the time I just dropped it (I had given it a good faith effort and yelling was seeming the more appealing option at that time), but I’ve been thinking about what she said. A choice?
It was my choice to go to graduate school (as it’s her choice to aim for medical school), but is what goes along with grad school really a choice? Granted I always have a choice to do them or quit, but those aren’t exactly a vast array of options are they? Also, I don’t think I knew what I was getting myself into when I started graduate school. I’m not just talking about the long hours or the egos that (at times) seem rampant in academia. It’s the blow that grad school deals to the self-esteem.
So much of my self-esteem is tied up in the experiments, the data, the results and when those don’t work out it can be crushing. That doesn’t even count the inevitable learning curve. Lately my experience in grad school has involved me making mistakes and learning how to fix them. Mistakes that I don’t think other people would make– some simple and some not. These mistakes have aided me in learning about experimental planning, but I’m not generating data as fast as I want (need?). Each mistake prolongs the time until I’ll get results and, hence, the cycle continues. (I think the only way I’ll survive this process is to let go of the mistakes, be more careful in the future, and remind myself I can not be the only person in the world to go through a period like this. At least I’m hoping that last part is true.)
Is it really a choice? When my choice is to either (A) fix my mistake, spend long hours in the lab, develop a thicker skin, triumph over my “stupidity,” and eventually get results or (B) leave?
You are so right! You and she have exactly the same choices – do the work or quit. Too bad she doesn’t understand that …
She’ll learn… eventually, and probably after falling on her face a time or two.
She says it’s your choice to work more than 3 hours in the lab. Of course, the only only choice is to fail. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.
I, frankly, would put her in her place. She is your research intern, and it is not her job to make herself sound important while putting you down for your ‘choices’. Perhaps you should remind her that once upon a time, you lived the life of an undergrad as she is living hers now.
Hmm. Interesting.
As someone who, like everyone else, has experienced both undergrad AND graduate school, I’d like to volunteer that I, for one, find graduate school to be more time consuming and more difficult. Anyone back me up here?
I had a lot more time for socializing, partying, and having fun when I was in undergrad, despite being a double major/double minor premed on a varsity sports team!
Funny view of grad school. She will learn, I agree with cae. I’d have a hard time listening until she does, though. How long do you have to supervise her?
Heather J.: Yep. In her mind there is no choice. Either that or she thinks I made the wrong/easier one?
CAE: And every so often I hope I’ll be there when she does. But that is mean. To mitigate it I’ll say that I do hope that she has a soft landing.
Candid Engineer: In dealing with her I have two extremes either patience or annoyance. I don’t know if I could put her in her place without the annoyance coming through. I’m just employing the change the subject tactic for now.
EtBr: Forget SuperWife, you’re just SuperHuman!
Amelie: She’s around until the end of the summer semester (I think it ends the second week of August), but she may stick around past that. It’s Advisor’s call. My devious plot right now is to make him deal with her while I’m on vacation (as there is no one else that will deal with her).
It’s childish, perhaps, but I’d be totally condescending to her. Light laugh, followed by a gentle comment like, “Oh yes, I remember way back when *I* was that naive about what graduate school is like! Perhaps you’re right — you’d better enjoy your frat parties while you still have that luxury!” Then smile indulgently at her and tell her to enjoy her weekend.
I admire your restaint. I doubt I could hold my tongue! Hopefully she will outgrow her ‘do the bare minimum’ attitude before she ever is allowed to interact with a medical patient.
Your plan to have advisor work with her sounds like a good one.
Wow. I’d have tossed her back to Boss long ago. While I may be considered to be a patient teacher, I have no patience for that sort of attitude. I take it you don’t work in the vicinity of sharp, deadly objects?
Just remind yourself that, if she does somehow make it into some med school, interns, residents and attendings will crush her. That always makes me feel better. But then, I’m evil.
She may not be as disrespectful towards your Advisor as she is to you, but hopefully your Advisor will pick up on the “doing the bare minimum” attitude.
I had a similar problem with one of the undergrads I worked with (one of 4 I mentored so far); he rolled his eyes at me and disregarded my directions, making more work for me, or after the 10th time around would take the directions and help and try to take all the credit (luckily, Advisor knew better). I didn’t say anything about it for almost a year, but finally had to pull the plug and suggest that I shouldn’t work with him anymore.
If it is impacting you negatively, you should do what you can to not be in this situation for too long.
Ugh. People are so annoying. I’m also amazed you haven’t blown up yet.
I usually have to walk out of the lab and vent for a minute. An MD/PhD student just joined our lab (like, he’s worked three days total) has told me a couple of times already that grad school is sooooo much easier than med school. The funny thing is he doesn’t actually start grad school until September (and has no idea what it entails). I must admit, I’m kinda waiting to see him knocked down a peg (evil, I know).
for some people, everyone else will always have it easier…
Grad school is a complete change of pace. That’s what I noticed most – undergrad was a whirlwind of learning, socialising, studying, then there were these nice long vacation breaks and the summer (especially in a three term year, 8 week term, classes 5 and a half days a week system!), whereas grad school was relentless – and I missed the framework provided by deadlines and semester starts and ends more than I ever thought I would.
I agree with nicky, that’s a good way of handling things if you feel that patience isn’t doing any good for either of you and don’t want to flatten the little one just yet…
As a former pre-med student, I would like to take this opportunity to remind her that things will only get worse.
And why do people have to always be about the damn comparisons like that?
You’re more tolerant and nicer than I am.
I would find it difficult to resist doing what nicky said.
Nicky: Former Roommate tried that yesterday and the meaning was completely lost on her! FlightyUndergrad just looked at her and said something like, “Well, I _know_ what grad school is like, I’m here.”
Dancing Fish: I don’t if it’s restraint or that I don’t trust myself enough to not just explode in hot, molten, stress-induced crazy. Something along the lines of just randomly venting everything that has gone wrong, the lab has interfered with, and general frustrations in one long diatribe. I am not good at middle ground.
Title Troubles: On CSI they always look at the grad student with access to chemicals. I’d be the prime suspect. Sigh.
Science Girl: You’re right. I just hate confrontation and upsetting people. But if things don’t work out with Advisor, I’ll have to “pull the plug.”
SGG: Not evil. I’m hoping the same thing happens to Flight in Med School.
JaneB: So far, I haven’t flattened her yet. But I sent her home early yesterday to avoid that possibility.
Aunt Becky: I don’t know. Dr. Man and I both know that we’re suited for the job we’re in and that both jobs have drawbacks. They’re just different.
EGF: Tolerant, Avoidant. You say poh-tay-to, I say po-tah-to.
sometimes it’s hard not to be bothered by people who display such ignorance and who are disdaining by us or our way of life – even when we know it shouldn’t bother us. Good luck brushing her off.
Hi! Haven’t commented before, but I like your blog!
And don’t worry, she will be putting in her VERY long hours in medical school soon, and look back and realize how easy she had it in undergrad. On the other hand, she probably won’t realize how difficult it is for grad students…but she’s young and thoughtless. I’d probably grump at her for lack of concern and respect for others, though. She MAY be going to medical school, but it still requires working with and respecting other people, like any other field.
I hear you on the long hours. My learning curve so far has taken YEARS, and I seem to expect 11 hour days in the lab, 7 day a week. Some of the grad students around me work 9-5 and NEVER work weekends. Possibly it’s my choice of technique, possibly it’s my “learning curve”. Possibly it’s because I’m a procrastinator.
On the other hand, for me it’s learning every step of the way, and I also feel better knowing that my project is “ambitious”. We’ll get out someday, and we’ll be wiser for it.
As a biochem undergrad with plans for grad school, I must confess an irrational disdain for pre-meds in my major. Graaahhhhhh.
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