I’m trying to figure out how I feel/what to do about a situation. So, I’m using this space as a way to try to figure it out. What I’m trying to say is that I apologize in advance if this gets too ramble-y or whatnot. I’m just thinking aloud.
I came home to some interesting news yesterday. My sister-in-law (one of the many), SIL-1, just got engaged to man from Far Away Country. SIL-1 met Future Brother-in-Law (F-BIL) while studying abroad last year. I’ve yet to meet him, but I do hear that he’s a lovely, intelligent man. So, I am very happy for her.
SIL-1 and I have a acquaintance type relationship. I was very excited that I inherited three sisters when Dr. Man and I got married. [I had only a brother, Squirt. (Squirt is a childhood nickname and it’s stuck.)] However, I think that none of Dr. Man’s sisters really shared in my excitement of gaining a new sibling. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m naturally shy around people for the first several times we meet and they just never felt that I warmed up to them. Or if it’s that being in a large family makes the dynamic between people different. Either way, we never really became close like I had hoped we would.
I would like to try to become so, though. Family is very important to me. And I’ve been somewhat lazy about trying to strengthen our relationship in the past. However, now, she’s most likely moving to Far Away Country in about four months and it’s now more urgent to try. I’m not sure where to begin, though. We have different interests and points of view. [Well, to be honest, what intimidates me is that she’s a conservative Christian and I am not. She’s working for one such group and I tend to not agree with their way of thinking. So, I’m always worried that I may say the wrong thing and offend her.]
Then again, maybe I shouldn’t force it. That may put more strain on everyone concerned. We are different people. And sometimes these things just don’t work out. She may just find me boring (which would explain why she does not try to contact me). And maybe I should just be glad that this is the biggest drama in my family.
Anyhow, I invited her over for dinner tonight to celebrate the engagement. We’ll see how that goes.
Here’s my take on this, coming from a big family. sorry for such a long comment.
My in-laws don’t seem fully assimilated into my family, with the possible exception of my oldest brother’s wife. They have been married ~25 years, but the others have been together nearly as long . I think this family culture originates with my mom, who seems to keep her children-in-law at a little distance. One of my sisters uses this example: if her husband’s mother calls and my sister answers, she’ll talk to my sister for a while and then maybe talk to my sister’s husband. If my mom calls and my sister’s husband answers, my mom immediately asks for my sister. I know my mom really likes all of her children’s spouces, but she just doesn’t get really close to them. perhaps it’s because it can be difficult to get one-on-one time at family events (those events are the usual way we see each other) because there is such a crowd. Anyway, I believe it establishes the family dynamic.
Are you more shy with them than you think? My other brother is married to the single most quiet person I know. She’s really nice, an excellent mother, seems to be great for my brother, but she just doesn’t talk (much) at family gatherings. We tried and tried to make her feel comfortable, but after a while we just kind of stopped. My brother has said that she’s very talkative at home, so I bet that she doesn’t realize how shy we perceive her to be.
Since your sister-in-law will be moving away, maybe you should focus your energy on the other ones. That said, it’s really nice that you invited her to celebrate the engagement. I bet she really appreciates that. My family likes ecogeoman, but they never fail to say that he can’t take me away to Far Off Land, so I think your support of her move is nice.
Well, I think inviting her over to celebrate is a great idea…and then invite over the ones who are closer. Maybe trying to think of them as potential friends rather then sisters may be easier…find your common grounds if you can.
I am still trying to figure out this one myself. So far it really looks impossible to have a close relationship with most of my new relatives, but luckily I have found a few that I would have been friends with even if we weren’t part of the same family. Trying is the most important thing, and it should really show them that you care – so in either case your attempts are not in vain.
I think having a celebration with her is a good idea – it gives you an excuse to spend time together without really forcing it. I too joined a family of many siblings, and they haven’t been as close to me as I would like. Part of me thinks it is because having one more person around isn’t as major to them as it is to me (an only child.) You can’t really force things, I don’t think. Integrating in-laws into your family can be really difficult. I wish I had more advice, but I too haven’t figured this out yet!